Today is the day that I go public with my confessions. I never thought that I would fall so hard and I never realized how strong I really am until this very moment. I have faced many tribulations in my life since the last post. In August 2013, a few days shy of my birthday, my mom has had an ischemic stroke that has paralyzed her entire right side, taking away her ability to communicate or walk again. It has been a long road since then. Sadly, that is only the beginning of my journey. Two years later on August 12, 2015, four days prior to my birthday, I found out that my father passed away alone in his apartment and sat there decomposing for at least two days. He was so badly decomposed that they weren't able to perform an official autopsy to diagnose the reasons for his death. They eventually deemed it natural causes but natural causes can imply many things that we are uncertain about. Since then I tried my best to remain strong despite the pain I felt in my heart of losing my father without any closure. For months I kept my pain hidden and tried to maintain my focus on God. I was saved, sanctified, celibate, baptized and God-fearing at the time. Just when I thought life had already hit me and that I was going to receive a blessing through those trials, I started to face even bigger trials. Trials of loneliness, abandonment, not only my friends and loved ones but by God. I knew He was there, I just stopped seeing Him working in my life, in ways that forced me to question my faith and my salvation.  I stopped trusting in Him and started turning to the world. I lost my foundation, the only one that carried me and gave me peace throughout these trials. I lost my relationship with Jesus. And it hurt so bad. The moment I became cognizant that this process was actually happening was in January when my cousin who we have helped raise since a newborn, started living with her biological mom. From there, I lost my sense of purpose. As much as I prayed, which now I realize wasn't much, I was forced to surrender it to God and acknowledge that she may not be coming back any time soon. I was helpless and in need of help but instead of turning to God, I turned to people. People who could not fill that void. I was so lost. I felt like a part of my soul was detached from me. This little girl meant so much to me and  I was filled with so many regrets. She motivated me more than anyone, aside from my parents. Just when I thought it was bad, I had a falling out with my best friend that left me feeling really abandoned and really confused about my faith. Little did I know that this was really the enemy's plan. How was I to rebuild myself after all of this? Then I made the worst decision ever that completely exacerbated my issues. I started unintentionally dating again. After not being fully healed and questioning my faith, I started longing for someone who cared about me. Someone to join me on my adventures. It's what I always wanted but instead of patiently waiting as I was doing before and listening to God's voice telling me to stop, I surrendered myself to my flesh for temporary pleasures. And then he left me. He returned to his homeland in Germany. And just like that, that was the last time I saw him. I tried speaking to this man after he left. He continued to reply to my whatsapp messages for the next two weeks but then he stopped. and so did my heart. The pain was so intense from what I can remember. But I was forced to accept this reality and move on. I held the pain in and didn't tell anyone about the emotional heartbreak I was experiencing at the time.  The way my heart dropped every time I saw a notification and it wasn't from him. The way his photo and messages triggered deep emotions. I was upset with myself. Because I knew it wasn't ok to be with him. The relationship lasted only 3 months and we were moving very fast. I was a woman of God and he was well an Athiest. What was I doing? Deep regret filled my soul and I was unable to see life the same after he left. I felt used. I felt stupid. He mocked my beliefs and yet I stayed. The anguish and turmoil forced me to find another outlet. I began to surround myself with believers/friends from church. Serving very frequently and Lord did it help. It distracted me and comforted me and I was able to regain my relationship with God. I also found my purpose and identity. I changed my wardrobe, I decided to take on a change in career, I enrolled in an engineering course and studied leadership, I gained more friends, explored churches, built more relationships at work especially with people in executive and leadership roles, I asked for mentorship and advice. Before you know it, I was completely distracted and by December 2016, I was more content in my life than I had ever been. I felt beautiful, I felt confident, I felt intelligent, I felt like the sky was the limit. Everyone loved me at work and I was going places. Just when I thought my life was great, of course, the trials returned but I was blessed nonetheless. However, now looking in retrospect, I thought I was so full but I was empty, I hadn't fully healed and despite all of the blessings, something very important was missing in my life [To Be Continued]

Winnie the Pooh and the Seven Deadly Sins

The New Adventures of Winnie the Pooh was one of my favorite animated television shows when I was younger and was an instant household classic during the 80's and 90's. The cartoon's fame is most likely attributed to why its esoteric symbolism has been overlooked for many years. What may seem like a very innocent children's show actually teaches us a very significant lesson about life and morality. Each of our favorite 100-Acre wood characters represent one of the seven deadly sins: Gluttony, Wrath, Sloth, Envy, Greed, Lust, and Pride.

1. Pooh- Our favorite Winnie the Pooh is the most noticeable deadly sins. Without any doubt, our pooh bear represents gluttony. He would so innocently swindle people into helping him find honey or eat all of their honey with his charming, kindness. However, all he ever lived for was honey and he would use all types of manipulation tactics to get it. He is also the only obese character in the show.

2. Rabbit- I remember rabbit being sometimes timid and nervous and very short-tempered. He didn't like anyone touching his things. That is why he often stayed to himself and if by any chance anyone messed up his normal daily routines, they would feel his fury. Therefore, Rabbit represents Wrath.

3.Tigger- Despite all of the bouncy infectious energy that Tigger has he is very lazy. That is why he represents Sloth. Tigger brings so much joy to the 100 acre wood with his positive playful energy sometimes leading to a big mess afterward and notice how he never cleans up after himself. He never really does anything during the show. He's Luke a big kid!

4. Eeyore- everyone always feels bad for eeyore. He is the most pitiful, melancholic pessimistic character in the show. That is because he represents Envy. If you've ever been envious you would understand Eeyores character. He's constantly losing his tail and often depressed because he feels inadequate to his friends.

5. Piglet- Greed is one of Piglets most perfect attributes. He lives in a gigantic mansion all by himself. We must not forget he's very small too. Having a lofty mansion with very fine furniture is unnecessary and piglet is not afraid to brag about what he has.

6. Kanga- Many of you may not have been expecting this but Kanga represents Lust. Ok so I know you're going "how could you!" But think about it,she has Roo and someone must have impregnated her. She's also the only character with a child. She's also a single mom. Just something to think about...

7. Owl- Owl represents Pride. He has too much pride and wisdom to ask anyone for advice. He takes his own advice as well as give advice to others and it's not always good advice. However, an owl is regarded as the wisest of all animals. 

Lastly, Christopher Robin represents the Pure Christian Soul. He tours the 100 acre wood learning about these sins and the consequences trying his best to help his friends take on morally-acceptable behavioral traits.

Often our perception of an innocent cartoon makes us overlook the underlying symbolism that is portrayed. There are so many other cartoons like this one that represent these seven deadly sins.

Right of Passage

So as some of you may know, I am traveling to Costa Rica and visiting for a week in just 9 days! This will be my first time on a plane ever! And I'm going to be alone! So I've never traveled internationally and people are wondering why I would go alone. And I always tell them that I'm tired of waiting for people it's time to start living my life the way it's meant to be lived. About a month and a half ago I almost lost my life and I realized how dispensable life can be. So I'm on a path to happiness. I can't let anyone be an obstacle or detriment in my path. I've never been the type to have that much patience and follow people anyway but this is something I must do. I am the first in my family to have such accomplishments as owning a degree, owning a car, traveling solo, or moving out of the house at an early age. No one in my family even has a passport and considering my sister and I are the only women in my family to have driver's licenses that determines interests or the lack thereof. So I created a right of passage for myself. This year I am going to continue  do things I've always wanted to do but just never had much encouragement or support to do so. The things my family feared are not mine. I will visit 5 countries before I turn 25 even if I have to go alone. And it's not my family's fault they just didn't have similar interests at the time and if they did they weren't motivated enough to pull through the circumstances and do it. But that's definetely not me. I always find a way! San Pedro, Costa Rica here I come! Can't wait to place my feet on foreign ground thank you Jesus Christ the son of God!

Soul Bonding

I'm developing a really special relationship with myself and Jesus Christ and the more I mature the more I take responsibility for everything or every relationship I have endured in my past. Thank God I never was the type to fall quickly for just anyone. Even when I was younger I sort of understood my worth. You can say I made a few mistakes with guys but I cherish them a as learning lessons. And I appreciate them all. But I'm proud to say I never really rushed into anything physical with a guy. There was one time I started to move a bit fast but that was the only time I felt like my soul was connected to this person. I can't really explain but you'll know when it happens. But when it happens and things begin to move a bit fast, how will that other person know? How would you be able to convince him/her that it's not you it's them? I don't usually do this fast-paced stuff, he just triggered something in my soul that gave me non stop green lights. And you know the soul bonding is there when you can't even slow down. When you can't cease to day dream about all of your future excursions with this guy and you think about all of the words you two have exchanged over the past months. When you can't seem to find someone as close to perfectly matching your wants, needs, desires. And over a large amount of time, months, years, you notice that out of the 20 or more people you've been on dates with no one left a strong enough impression to completely obliterate your thoughts of that guy you're so in love with. And the dates never get past those initial 2 dates and you know it. And that's why you stare at your glass of water at the dinner table while you drift off into dream land about your lover boy. And you yawn from the boredom and all the day dreaming you've just had  while you are on the date with the other guy. And you know it's so wrong but sometimes fantasizing is better than experiencing the reality of the bigger picture.

Law of Attraction-My Life's Coincidences

I was talking on the phone with my ex boy friend explaining to him about how I need affection and I want to feel loved. I explained how I was feeling really emotional at the moment and I felt sadness and loneliness. A minute later I receive a text from a male friend saying "I love you" it was so random there was no good morning or how are you attached to it. And I didn't understand because I have not spoken to this person in a few weeks. I explained to the friend exactly what I'm explaining to you and when I asked him why he sent it he simply replied I don't know I just felt like you needed that message. He went on to say God told me to send it to you.

I wanted a new car so bad. I would think about it everyday when I drove my little hooptie. But I knew I could not really afford it not even a down payment. So one day I walked into a dealership and walked out that same day with a new car which I paid no money down for not even a dime. And the car came at a perfect time. I saved money on repairs. I was happier. I felt better in my car and got places quicker. My first months car insurance was paid for. It was great.

I was ready to file my taxes but I still needed some tax information. Right before I left to file my taxes my aunt comes in and says Vanessa I think u just got your w2 and there it was one of my w2's and my charity information that I needed for taxes. I was set. So I thought.

I wanted a new place to live so bad. I was living in a room in corona with two noisy roommates and I wanted my own apt. So I applied for low income housing but not thinking much of it. My sister applied at the same time. Two months later I receive an email from them saying that I was chosen in the lottery. The first draw was a mistake that left me heartbroken. So they placed me back in the lottery and I was picked again! Unbelievably I gathered all my documents with faith. I couldn't believe that I was chosen in the lottery twice for these apts while others who have applied for the same thing were not chosen at all!

Are you catching on?

One day I was flat broke and barely had enough money to eat with. I suddenly decided to check my bank account to make sure I didn't go below the dollar that was in there and voila to my surprise I saw $40 in my account! Couldn't have came at a better time! Of course it was a refund that I forgot about and had no clue I was getting but luckily I was very grateful for the gift.

Shall I go on?

Two summers ago I planned a bday celebration for myself but didn't have enough money to to take taxi with all the heavy bags I had from queens to the Bronx. So I flagged a cab to at least go to the train station. And the generous cab driver offered to take me half way-over the queensboro bridge to manhattan for only five bucks! Guess he liked my presence. 

Although I am beyond appreciative for these experiences they are sometimes frightening facts. Because now I really believe in the law of attraction. When you meditate long enough on and are positive about something you will be successful at it. It will just come to you effortlessly.

For instance I met a really challenging guy (which I wasn't to fond of initially) that for months I struggled to understand. He's really successful and has everything I want in life but I had some doubt I can get him because of the demand I'm sure he has from several women.and because I'm technically not on his level as far as worth. And everyone doubted this relationship as well. They felt like he was only taking advantage of me. Nonetheless I'm still in doubt. However, I managed to get this man to tell me those magic words that I oh so desired to hear from him and him only for so long..."I love you" and he's said it way more than I've said it. Considering I've only said it once. He was the first to say it and even though it hasn't been well proven I do see little attempts in the form of small gifts for me, someone who has yet to have given him one gift. So if I was able to get this rich ladies man to admit to having supposed feelings for me with very little effort then anythings possible right? And I think about this guy every minute of the day so I'm sure I'll have him soon. Only reason why I don't have him yet is because I still have doubt and fears of rejection.

So I'm tracking these coincidences whether big or small.

I needed help moving out of my corona apt but didn't really have the money for a moving truck and didn't want to do the taxi thing but I didn't know who to call and my move out deadline was a week away. Not asking for help I went to my regular bible study meet and my friends asked me if I was moving out still and if I needed help. I jumped at the offer! I no longer needed to worry about moving all that stuff or renting a car because they had cars and on top of it all they even offered to collectively help me move everything into the car! I didn't break one nail. It was so effortless! 

I am so blessed! I love my church friends!

Two summers ago I was in dire need of employment. I was fresh out of college with a BA and I was home broke and dependent. I desperately searched for employment and reached out to others for 2 full months until one day I was invited to an open mic at a lounge by my friends fiancé. I was late of course. I got there after the party was over but they had an after party at another bar and I met one of the fiancée friends and we talked about school and employment and I told him I was looking for work. Sure enough he said they were looking for counselor a and instructors at the Y. I was delighted so I jumped on the opportunity and I worked there for 6 months before I transferred to a better opportunity. But it kept me busy and level headed for awhile. This experience was very life changing especially because of the people I met there. I met a girl there that introduced me to her church and since then my faith and relationship with God has never been the same. I am having the time of my life with that church and I am so thankful! That church has helped me and my family in so many ways!

I give tithes almost every Sunday, I donate money to charity every month (sponsoring a child in Honduras) and every once in awhile I donate money to ppl in my circle or on the street. So last Sunday I gave $5 to my church but not expecting anything back I just gave because I love my church and this morning my aunt walks in the bathroom and hands me a $50 bill. I was so shocked because it was so unexpected.

I am always very grateful of everything that enters my life good and bad. I feel so blessed and confident that good, things that I want and money always flows my way. So even the smallest requests like for instance I've been wanting a new makeup bag for the longest. One day I walked into Victoria's Secret and was offered a free makeup bag and was told I took the last one. Feeling like it was meant to be, I walked out of the store amazed. It was cute just what I wanted. I've also been wanting to upgrade my iPhone. Last weekend I found two iPhones (not one but two!) in a bathroom stall one which was an upgrade to mine. Reluctant to steal it I turned it in but nonetheless I was overwhelmed with the art of asking and receiving. The key is in the believing. The belief that it's a already done! You must have little to no doubt these things will happen to you or it won't happen. I always walk around feeling abundant and grateful and for that I am always blessed. Another small but significant success story was when I walked into dunkin donuts unwilling to spend on a coolata and was offered a free iced latte by another customer there.

A month ago on my sisters birthday I was invited out with her but I didn't really want to go. I was so tired and just uninterested but I forced myself to go anyway because she made me feel bad about it. On my way to her I got into a car accident in which I was hit really badly on the left side of my car (drivers side) and forced into an electrical pole. My car was declared totaled. I could have lost my life geez talk about an electrical pole that was given barely enough force. I came out with not one scratch. But I learned my lesson that feelings are very powerful to the universe. Only put out what you want to receive because if I really wanted to go I would not have been stopped the way I was stopped. I really just didn't want to go. So in that case the lesson was ok since you don't want to go let me ensure that you don't go because now you're going against your will. And sure enough at that point I couldn't go anywhere. Thank god the accident was just to teach me a lesson. It was bad enough so I won't go but not bad enough that I would lose my life from it.

2014 New Years Resolutions

This year is the year I finally overcome my fears. I've noticed that my entire life I have accumulated several fears. Fear of rejection, fear of lonliness, fear of marginalization, fear of losing money, fear of making the wrong decisions, fear of hurting someone else, fear of reality and sadness. Unlike the previous year I did not bring in the New Year exactly how I wanted to. I spent my last seconds of 2013 walking down Madison Ave and 29th Street on my way to the bar. I was looking for something. A spiritual awakening perhaps. I wanted my NYE to be well thought out with written or mental resolutions and I wanted to watch the ball drop on tv in excitement possibly alongside someone special maybe even a family member. Instead I spent it sober around a crowd of drunk people in which I had no regards for. Yea my bestfriend/ sister was with me but she was also upset at the fact that she waited outside in the freezing cold for me and missed the ball drop as well. I blamed myself. And later that day I felt like something was missing. Like I was lost or that I lost myself.  Although I did not bring in the New Year exactly how I wanted to I am making it my business to change this year. I no longer want to be trapped behind this barracade of fear. There are people I need to face this year. First I need to face my fear of seeing my mother and spending more time with her. I have not been spending any time with her lately because I hate to see her cry. I hate to see her suffer but I understand that this is my reality and I need to handle this better. I am not as close with my family as I should be and its my fault. It feels like something is holding me back because when I get home all I want to do is be alone with the door closed. I need to face the one I love or that I am infatuated with. This guy has no idea how infatuated I am with him. He intrudes my thoughts every single day without effort. I am really starting to hate it. Its like an indelible fantasy almost. I know we will probably never be together but my heart does not allow me to believe that so I continue to talk about him whenever I find a chance, I continue to see him once every 2 months, and I continue to think about him and I alter my lifestyle for him ( which can be both a good and bad thing). I believe I have a spiritual connection with this person I cant describe and its not due to sex. Thats part of it but im sure its not entirely that. Last year, i've never called him unless he called me or I needed his apt number for the security downstairs to let me up. I was always too afraid.  I was afraid he wouldnt pick up because he barely does. I've even watched the phone ring as he called me several times. I was afraid he would cut me off because he has done that too. I was afraid ill say the wrong thing because that has happened as well. I am afraid of him and thats bad but I think he's a little afraid himself because he won't call me and profess these feelings (he supposedly has) as well. Surpisingly, he's known for his machismo. He seems reluctant to talk about us and I hate it. I'm never like this with anyone else. Its been a year and a half already. But im used to this. Fear attracts fear. But im tired of it. God please send me a real man. Someone who is not afraid to admit how they feel. Especially if they dont love me and they're trying to take advantage of me. Im so confused and I dont want to be confused any longer. I need to stand up to my students and assert my authority so they can therefore respect me more. There's so much work that I need to do. I think I lost my motivation. I used to be so passionate about things now they dont really matter. What happened? I need to find it.

A relationship in a week

I never understood why people got into relationships and broke up after a week until it happened to me.
I dated a mut. He was Irish and Mexican (I know the polarity right?). He was just as bipolar as his identity. Haha! I met him at a Mexican restaurant in the Bronx (Go figure. I thought I had found the one. How foolish I was. Eventually, I realized that this person had some serious unresolved issues. He was very attractive and intelligent yet equally as crazy, aggressive, abrasive, sarcastic (I hated his sarcasm), needy,  clingy, annoying, and the worse pathological lier you'll probably ever meet. But its all a learning lesson right? I had to let him go. My spirit was in dis-ease. Every time I was around him we would argue and I would feel depressed. That is when I realized that I loved myself too much to put myself through that especially with someone ive only knew for 3 weeks. Hence, my body would not allow itself to be attracted to him. Some kind of mental blockage right? its amazing how the mind, body and soul work in conjunction with eachother. Asset over liability next time V! Never fall for the superficial...