2014 New Years Resolutions

This year is the year I finally overcome my fears. I've noticed that my entire life I have accumulated several fears. Fear of rejection, fear of lonliness, fear of marginalization, fear of losing money, fear of making the wrong decisions, fear of hurting someone else, fear of reality and sadness. Unlike the previous year I did not bring in the New Year exactly how I wanted to. I spent my last seconds of 2013 walking down Madison Ave and 29th Street on my way to the bar. I was looking for something. A spiritual awakening perhaps. I wanted my NYE to be well thought out with written or mental resolutions and I wanted to watch the ball drop on tv in excitement possibly alongside someone special maybe even a family member. Instead I spent it sober around a crowd of drunk people in which I had no regards for. Yea my bestfriend/ sister was with me but she was also upset at the fact that she waited outside in the freezing cold for me and missed the ball drop as well. I blamed myself. And later that day I felt like something was missing. Like I was lost or that I lost myself.  Although I did not bring in the New Year exactly how I wanted to I am making it my business to change this year. I no longer want to be trapped behind this barracade of fear. There are people I need to face this year. First I need to face my fear of seeing my mother and spending more time with her. I have not been spending any time with her lately because I hate to see her cry. I hate to see her suffer but I understand that this is my reality and I need to handle this better. I am not as close with my family as I should be and its my fault. It feels like something is holding me back because when I get home all I want to do is be alone with the door closed. I need to face the one I love or that I am infatuated with. This guy has no idea how infatuated I am with him. He intrudes my thoughts every single day without effort. I am really starting to hate it. Its like an indelible fantasy almost. I know we will probably never be together but my heart does not allow me to believe that so I continue to talk about him whenever I find a chance, I continue to see him once every 2 months, and I continue to think about him and I alter my lifestyle for him ( which can be both a good and bad thing). I believe I have a spiritual connection with this person I cant describe and its not due to sex. Thats part of it but im sure its not entirely that. Last year, i've never called him unless he called me or I needed his apt number for the security downstairs to let me up. I was always too afraid.  I was afraid he wouldnt pick up because he barely does. I've even watched the phone ring as he called me several times. I was afraid he would cut me off because he has done that too. I was afraid ill say the wrong thing because that has happened as well. I am afraid of him and thats bad but I think he's a little afraid himself because he won't call me and profess these feelings (he supposedly has) as well. Surpisingly, he's known for his machismo. He seems reluctant to talk about us and I hate it. I'm never like this with anyone else. Its been a year and a half already. But im used to this. Fear attracts fear. But im tired of it. God please send me a real man. Someone who is not afraid to admit how they feel. Especially if they dont love me and they're trying to take advantage of me. Im so confused and I dont want to be confused any longer. I need to stand up to my students and assert my authority so they can therefore respect me more. There's so much work that I need to do. I think I lost my motivation. I used to be so passionate about things now they dont really matter. What happened? I need to find it.