Today is the day that I go public with my confessions. I never thought that I would fall so hard and I never realized how strong I really am until this very moment. I have faced many tribulations in my life since the last post. In August 2013, a few days shy of my birthday, my mom has had an ischemic stroke that has paralyzed her entire right side, taking away her ability to communicate or walk again. It has been a long road since then. Sadly, that is only the beginning of my journey. Two years later on August 12, 2015, four days prior to my birthday, I found out that my father passed away alone in his apartment and sat there decomposing for at least two days. He was so badly decomposed that they weren't able to perform an official autopsy to diagnose the reasons for his death. They eventually deemed it natural causes but natural causes can imply many things that we are uncertain about. Since then I tried my best to remain strong despite the pain I felt in my heart of losing my father without any closure. For months I kept my pain hidden and tried to maintain my focus on God. I was saved, sanctified, celibate, baptized and God-fearing at the time. Just when I thought life had already hit me and that I was going to receive a blessing through those trials, I started to face even bigger trials. Trials of loneliness, abandonment, not only my friends and loved ones but by God. I knew He was there, I just stopped seeing Him working in my life, in ways that forced me to question my faith and my salvation.  I stopped trusting in Him and started turning to the world. I lost my foundation, the only one that carried me and gave me peace throughout these trials. I lost my relationship with Jesus. And it hurt so bad. The moment I became cognizant that this process was actually happening was in January when my cousin who we have helped raise since a newborn, started living with her biological mom. From there, I lost my sense of purpose. As much as I prayed, which now I realize wasn't much, I was forced to surrender it to God and acknowledge that she may not be coming back any time soon. I was helpless and in need of help but instead of turning to God, I turned to people. People who could not fill that void. I was so lost. I felt like a part of my soul was detached from me. This little girl meant so much to me and  I was filled with so many regrets. She motivated me more than anyone, aside from my parents. Just when I thought it was bad, I had a falling out with my best friend that left me feeling really abandoned and really confused about my faith. Little did I know that this was really the enemy's plan. How was I to rebuild myself after all of this? Then I made the worst decision ever that completely exacerbated my issues. I started unintentionally dating again. After not being fully healed and questioning my faith, I started longing for someone who cared about me. Someone to join me on my adventures. It's what I always wanted but instead of patiently waiting as I was doing before and listening to God's voice telling me to stop, I surrendered myself to my flesh for temporary pleasures. And then he left me. He returned to his homeland in Germany. And just like that, that was the last time I saw him. I tried speaking to this man after he left. He continued to reply to my whatsapp messages for the next two weeks but then he stopped. and so did my heart. The pain was so intense from what I can remember. But I was forced to accept this reality and move on. I held the pain in and didn't tell anyone about the emotional heartbreak I was experiencing at the time.  The way my heart dropped every time I saw a notification and it wasn't from him. The way his photo and messages triggered deep emotions. I was upset with myself. Because I knew it wasn't ok to be with him. The relationship lasted only 3 months and we were moving very fast. I was a woman of God and he was well an Athiest. What was I doing? Deep regret filled my soul and I was unable to see life the same after he left. I felt used. I felt stupid. He mocked my beliefs and yet I stayed. The anguish and turmoil forced me to find another outlet. I began to surround myself with believers/friends from church. Serving very frequently and Lord did it help. It distracted me and comforted me and I was able to regain my relationship with God. I also found my purpose and identity. I changed my wardrobe, I decided to take on a change in career, I enrolled in an engineering course and studied leadership, I gained more friends, explored churches, built more relationships at work especially with people in executive and leadership roles, I asked for mentorship and advice. Before you know it, I was completely distracted and by December 2016, I was more content in my life than I had ever been. I felt beautiful, I felt confident, I felt intelligent, I felt like the sky was the limit. Everyone loved me at work and I was going places. Just when I thought my life was great, of course, the trials returned but I was blessed nonetheless. However, now looking in retrospect, I thought I was so full but I was empty, I hadn't fully healed and despite all of the blessings, something very important was missing in my life [To Be Continued]