Today is the day that I go public with my confessions. I never thought that I would fall so hard and I never realized how strong I really am until this very moment. I have faced many tribulations in my life since the last post. In August 2013, a few days shy of my birthday, my mom has had an ischemic stroke that has paralyzed her entire right side, taking away her ability to communicate or walk again. It has been a long road since then. Sadly, that is only the beginning of my journey. Two years later on August 12, 2015, four days prior to my birthday, I found out that my father passed away alone in his apartment and sat there decomposing for at least two days. He was so badly decomposed that they weren't able to perform an official autopsy to diagnose the reasons for his death. They eventually deemed it natural causes but natural causes can imply many things that we are uncertain about. Since then I tried my best to remain strong despite the pain I felt in my heart of losing my father without any closure. For months I kept my pain hidden and tried to maintain my focus on God. I was saved, sanctified, celibate, baptized and God-fearing at the time. Just when I thought life had already hit me and that I was going to receive a blessing through those trials, I started to face even bigger trials. Trials of loneliness, abandonment, not only my friends and loved ones but by God. I knew He was there, I just stopped seeing Him working in my life, in ways that forced me to question my faith and my salvation.  I stopped trusting in Him and started turning to the world. I lost my foundation, the only one that carried me and gave me peace throughout these trials. I lost my relationship with Jesus. And it hurt so bad. The moment I became cognizant that this process was actually happening was in January when my cousin who we have helped raise since a newborn, started living with her biological mom. From there, I lost my sense of purpose. As much as I prayed, which now I realize wasn't much, I was forced to surrender it to God and acknowledge that she may not be coming back any time soon. I was helpless and in need of help but instead of turning to God, I turned to people. People who could not fill that void. I was so lost. I felt like a part of my soul was detached from me. This little girl meant so much to me and  I was filled with so many regrets. She motivated me more than anyone, aside from my parents. Just when I thought it was bad, I had a falling out with my best friend that left me feeling really abandoned and really confused about my faith. Little did I know that this was really the enemy's plan. How was I to rebuild myself after all of this? Then I made the worst decision ever that completely exacerbated my issues. I started unintentionally dating again. After not being fully healed and questioning my faith, I started longing for someone who cared about me. Someone to join me on my adventures. It's what I always wanted but instead of patiently waiting as I was doing before and listening to God's voice telling me to stop, I surrendered myself to my flesh for temporary pleasures. And then he left me. He returned to his homeland in Germany. And just like that, that was the last time I saw him. I tried speaking to this man after he left. He continued to reply to my whatsapp messages for the next two weeks but then he stopped. and so did my heart. The pain was so intense from what I can remember. But I was forced to accept this reality and move on. I held the pain in and didn't tell anyone about the emotional heartbreak I was experiencing at the time.  The way my heart dropped every time I saw a notification and it wasn't from him. The way his photo and messages triggered deep emotions. I was upset with myself. Because I knew it wasn't ok to be with him. The relationship lasted only 3 months and we were moving very fast. I was a woman of God and he was well an Athiest. What was I doing? Deep regret filled my soul and I was unable to see life the same after he left. I felt used. I felt stupid. He mocked my beliefs and yet I stayed. The anguish and turmoil forced me to find another outlet. I began to surround myself with believers/friends from church. Serving very frequently and Lord did it help. It distracted me and comforted me and I was able to regain my relationship with God. I also found my purpose and identity. I changed my wardrobe, I decided to take on a change in career, I enrolled in an engineering course and studied leadership, I gained more friends, explored churches, built more relationships at work especially with people in executive and leadership roles, I asked for mentorship and advice. Before you know it, I was completely distracted and by December 2016, I was more content in my life than I had ever been. I felt beautiful, I felt confident, I felt intelligent, I felt like the sky was the limit. Everyone loved me at work and I was going places. Just when I thought my life was great, of course, the trials returned but I was blessed nonetheless. However, now looking in retrospect, I thought I was so full but I was empty, I hadn't fully healed and despite all of the blessings, something very important was missing in my life [To Be Continued]

Winnie the Pooh and the Seven Deadly Sins

The New Adventures of Winnie the Pooh was one of my favorite animated television shows when I was younger and was an instant household classic during the 80's and 90's. The cartoon's fame is most likely attributed to why its esoteric symbolism has been overlooked for many years. What may seem like a very innocent children's show actually teaches us a very significant lesson about life and morality. Each of our favorite 100-Acre wood characters represent one of the seven deadly sins: Gluttony, Wrath, Sloth, Envy, Greed, Lust, and Pride.

1. Pooh- Our favorite Winnie the Pooh is the most noticeable deadly sins. Without any doubt, our pooh bear represents gluttony. He would so innocently swindle people into helping him find honey or eat all of their honey with his charming, kindness. However, all he ever lived for was honey and he would use all types of manipulation tactics to get it. He is also the only obese character in the show.

2. Rabbit- I remember rabbit being sometimes timid and nervous and very short-tempered. He didn't like anyone touching his things. That is why he often stayed to himself and if by any chance anyone messed up his normal daily routines, they would feel his fury. Therefore, Rabbit represents Wrath.

3.Tigger- Despite all of the bouncy infectious energy that Tigger has he is very lazy. That is why he represents Sloth. Tigger brings so much joy to the 100 acre wood with his positive playful energy sometimes leading to a big mess afterward and notice how he never cleans up after himself. He never really does anything during the show. He's Luke a big kid!

4. Eeyore- everyone always feels bad for eeyore. He is the most pitiful, melancholic pessimistic character in the show. That is because he represents Envy. If you've ever been envious you would understand Eeyores character. He's constantly losing his tail and often depressed because he feels inadequate to his friends.

5. Piglet- Greed is one of Piglets most perfect attributes. He lives in a gigantic mansion all by himself. We must not forget he's very small too. Having a lofty mansion with very fine furniture is unnecessary and piglet is not afraid to brag about what he has.

6. Kanga- Many of you may not have been expecting this but Kanga represents Lust. Ok so I know you're going "how could you!" But think about it,she has Roo and someone must have impregnated her. She's also the only character with a child. She's also a single mom. Just something to think about...

7. Owl- Owl represents Pride. He has too much pride and wisdom to ask anyone for advice. He takes his own advice as well as give advice to others and it's not always good advice. However, an owl is regarded as the wisest of all animals. 

Lastly, Christopher Robin represents the Pure Christian Soul. He tours the 100 acre wood learning about these sins and the consequences trying his best to help his friends take on morally-acceptable behavioral traits.

Often our perception of an innocent cartoon makes us overlook the underlying symbolism that is portrayed. There are so many other cartoons like this one that represent these seven deadly sins.

Right of Passage

So as some of you may know, I am traveling to Costa Rica and visiting for a week in just 9 days! This will be my first time on a plane ever! And I'm going to be alone! So I've never traveled internationally and people are wondering why I would go alone. And I always tell them that I'm tired of waiting for people it's time to start living my life the way it's meant to be lived. About a month and a half ago I almost lost my life and I realized how dispensable life can be. So I'm on a path to happiness. I can't let anyone be an obstacle or detriment in my path. I've never been the type to have that much patience and follow people anyway but this is something I must do. I am the first in my family to have such accomplishments as owning a degree, owning a car, traveling solo, or moving out of the house at an early age. No one in my family even has a passport and considering my sister and I are the only women in my family to have driver's licenses that determines interests or the lack thereof. So I created a right of passage for myself. This year I am going to continue  do things I've always wanted to do but just never had much encouragement or support to do so. The things my family feared are not mine. I will visit 5 countries before I turn 25 even if I have to go alone. And it's not my family's fault they just didn't have similar interests at the time and if they did they weren't motivated enough to pull through the circumstances and do it. But that's definetely not me. I always find a way! San Pedro, Costa Rica here I come! Can't wait to place my feet on foreign ground thank you Jesus Christ the son of God!

Soul Bonding

I'm developing a really special relationship with myself and Jesus Christ and the more I mature the more I take responsibility for everything or every relationship I have endured in my past. Thank God I never was the type to fall quickly for just anyone. Even when I was younger I sort of understood my worth. You can say I made a few mistakes with guys but I cherish them a as learning lessons. And I appreciate them all. But I'm proud to say I never really rushed into anything physical with a guy. There was one time I started to move a bit fast but that was the only time I felt like my soul was connected to this person. I can't really explain but you'll know when it happens. But when it happens and things begin to move a bit fast, how will that other person know? How would you be able to convince him/her that it's not you it's them? I don't usually do this fast-paced stuff, he just triggered something in my soul that gave me non stop green lights. And you know the soul bonding is there when you can't even slow down. When you can't cease to day dream about all of your future excursions with this guy and you think about all of the words you two have exchanged over the past months. When you can't seem to find someone as close to perfectly matching your wants, needs, desires. And over a large amount of time, months, years, you notice that out of the 20 or more people you've been on dates with no one left a strong enough impression to completely obliterate your thoughts of that guy you're so in love with. And the dates never get past those initial 2 dates and you know it. And that's why you stare at your glass of water at the dinner table while you drift off into dream land about your lover boy. And you yawn from the boredom and all the day dreaming you've just had  while you are on the date with the other guy. And you know it's so wrong but sometimes fantasizing is better than experiencing the reality of the bigger picture.

Law of Attraction-My Life's Coincidences

I was talking on the phone with my ex boy friend explaining to him about how I need affection and I want to feel loved. I explained how I was feeling really emotional at the moment and I felt sadness and loneliness. A minute later I receive a text from a male friend saying "I love you" it was so random there was no good morning or how are you attached to it. And I didn't understand because I have not spoken to this person in a few weeks. I explained to the friend exactly what I'm explaining to you and when I asked him why he sent it he simply replied I don't know I just felt like you needed that message. He went on to say God told me to send it to you.

I wanted a new car so bad. I would think about it everyday when I drove my little hooptie. But I knew I could not really afford it not even a down payment. So one day I walked into a dealership and walked out that same day with a new car which I paid no money down for not even a dime. And the car came at a perfect time. I saved money on repairs. I was happier. I felt better in my car and got places quicker. My first months car insurance was paid for. It was great.

I was ready to file my taxes but I still needed some tax information. Right before I left to file my taxes my aunt comes in and says Vanessa I think u just got your w2 and there it was one of my w2's and my charity information that I needed for taxes. I was set. So I thought.

I wanted a new place to live so bad. I was living in a room in corona with two noisy roommates and I wanted my own apt. So I applied for low income housing but not thinking much of it. My sister applied at the same time. Two months later I receive an email from them saying that I was chosen in the lottery. The first draw was a mistake that left me heartbroken. So they placed me back in the lottery and I was picked again! Unbelievably I gathered all my documents with faith. I couldn't believe that I was chosen in the lottery twice for these apts while others who have applied for the same thing were not chosen at all!

Are you catching on?

One day I was flat broke and barely had enough money to eat with. I suddenly decided to check my bank account to make sure I didn't go below the dollar that was in there and voila to my surprise I saw $40 in my account! Couldn't have came at a better time! Of course it was a refund that I forgot about and had no clue I was getting but luckily I was very grateful for the gift.

Shall I go on?

Two summers ago I planned a bday celebration for myself but didn't have enough money to to take taxi with all the heavy bags I had from queens to the Bronx. So I flagged a cab to at least go to the train station. And the generous cab driver offered to take me half way-over the queensboro bridge to manhattan for only five bucks! Guess he liked my presence. 

Although I am beyond appreciative for these experiences they are sometimes frightening facts. Because now I really believe in the law of attraction. When you meditate long enough on and are positive about something you will be successful at it. It will just come to you effortlessly.

For instance I met a really challenging guy (which I wasn't to fond of initially) that for months I struggled to understand. He's really successful and has everything I want in life but I had some doubt I can get him because of the demand I'm sure he has from several women.and because I'm technically not on his level as far as worth. And everyone doubted this relationship as well. They felt like he was only taking advantage of me. Nonetheless I'm still in doubt. However, I managed to get this man to tell me those magic words that I oh so desired to hear from him and him only for so long..."I love you" and he's said it way more than I've said it. Considering I've only said it once. He was the first to say it and even though it hasn't been well proven I do see little attempts in the form of small gifts for me, someone who has yet to have given him one gift. So if I was able to get this rich ladies man to admit to having supposed feelings for me with very little effort then anythings possible right? And I think about this guy every minute of the day so I'm sure I'll have him soon. Only reason why I don't have him yet is because I still have doubt and fears of rejection.

So I'm tracking these coincidences whether big or small.

I needed help moving out of my corona apt but didn't really have the money for a moving truck and didn't want to do the taxi thing but I didn't know who to call and my move out deadline was a week away. Not asking for help I went to my regular bible study meet and my friends asked me if I was moving out still and if I needed help. I jumped at the offer! I no longer needed to worry about moving all that stuff or renting a car because they had cars and on top of it all they even offered to collectively help me move everything into the car! I didn't break one nail. It was so effortless! 

I am so blessed! I love my church friends!

Two summers ago I was in dire need of employment. I was fresh out of college with a BA and I was home broke and dependent. I desperately searched for employment and reached out to others for 2 full months until one day I was invited to an open mic at a lounge by my friends fiancé. I was late of course. I got there after the party was over but they had an after party at another bar and I met one of the fiancée friends and we talked about school and employment and I told him I was looking for work. Sure enough he said they were looking for counselor a and instructors at the Y. I was delighted so I jumped on the opportunity and I worked there for 6 months before I transferred to a better opportunity. But it kept me busy and level headed for awhile. This experience was very life changing especially because of the people I met there. I met a girl there that introduced me to her church and since then my faith and relationship with God has never been the same. I am having the time of my life with that church and I am so thankful! That church has helped me and my family in so many ways!

I give tithes almost every Sunday, I donate money to charity every month (sponsoring a child in Honduras) and every once in awhile I donate money to ppl in my circle or on the street. So last Sunday I gave $5 to my church but not expecting anything back I just gave because I love my church and this morning my aunt walks in the bathroom and hands me a $50 bill. I was so shocked because it was so unexpected.

I am always very grateful of everything that enters my life good and bad. I feel so blessed and confident that good, things that I want and money always flows my way. So even the smallest requests like for instance I've been wanting a new makeup bag for the longest. One day I walked into Victoria's Secret and was offered a free makeup bag and was told I took the last one. Feeling like it was meant to be, I walked out of the store amazed. It was cute just what I wanted. I've also been wanting to upgrade my iPhone. Last weekend I found two iPhones (not one but two!) in a bathroom stall one which was an upgrade to mine. Reluctant to steal it I turned it in but nonetheless I was overwhelmed with the art of asking and receiving. The key is in the believing. The belief that it's a already done! You must have little to no doubt these things will happen to you or it won't happen. I always walk around feeling abundant and grateful and for that I am always blessed. Another small but significant success story was when I walked into dunkin donuts unwilling to spend on a coolata and was offered a free iced latte by another customer there.

A month ago on my sisters birthday I was invited out with her but I didn't really want to go. I was so tired and just uninterested but I forced myself to go anyway because she made me feel bad about it. On my way to her I got into a car accident in which I was hit really badly on the left side of my car (drivers side) and forced into an electrical pole. My car was declared totaled. I could have lost my life geez talk about an electrical pole that was given barely enough force. I came out with not one scratch. But I learned my lesson that feelings are very powerful to the universe. Only put out what you want to receive because if I really wanted to go I would not have been stopped the way I was stopped. I really just didn't want to go. So in that case the lesson was ok since you don't want to go let me ensure that you don't go because now you're going against your will. And sure enough at that point I couldn't go anywhere. Thank god the accident was just to teach me a lesson. It was bad enough so I won't go but not bad enough that I would lose my life from it.

2014 New Years Resolutions

This year is the year I finally overcome my fears. I've noticed that my entire life I have accumulated several fears. Fear of rejection, fear of lonliness, fear of marginalization, fear of losing money, fear of making the wrong decisions, fear of hurting someone else, fear of reality and sadness. Unlike the previous year I did not bring in the New Year exactly how I wanted to. I spent my last seconds of 2013 walking down Madison Ave and 29th Street on my way to the bar. I was looking for something. A spiritual awakening perhaps. I wanted my NYE to be well thought out with written or mental resolutions and I wanted to watch the ball drop on tv in excitement possibly alongside someone special maybe even a family member. Instead I spent it sober around a crowd of drunk people in which I had no regards for. Yea my bestfriend/ sister was with me but she was also upset at the fact that she waited outside in the freezing cold for me and missed the ball drop as well. I blamed myself. And later that day I felt like something was missing. Like I was lost or that I lost myself.  Although I did not bring in the New Year exactly how I wanted to I am making it my business to change this year. I no longer want to be trapped behind this barracade of fear. There are people I need to face this year. First I need to face my fear of seeing my mother and spending more time with her. I have not been spending any time with her lately because I hate to see her cry. I hate to see her suffer but I understand that this is my reality and I need to handle this better. I am not as close with my family as I should be and its my fault. It feels like something is holding me back because when I get home all I want to do is be alone with the door closed. I need to face the one I love or that I am infatuated with. This guy has no idea how infatuated I am with him. He intrudes my thoughts every single day without effort. I am really starting to hate it. Its like an indelible fantasy almost. I know we will probably never be together but my heart does not allow me to believe that so I continue to talk about him whenever I find a chance, I continue to see him once every 2 months, and I continue to think about him and I alter my lifestyle for him ( which can be both a good and bad thing). I believe I have a spiritual connection with this person I cant describe and its not due to sex. Thats part of it but im sure its not entirely that. Last year, i've never called him unless he called me or I needed his apt number for the security downstairs to let me up. I was always too afraid.  I was afraid he wouldnt pick up because he barely does. I've even watched the phone ring as he called me several times. I was afraid he would cut me off because he has done that too. I was afraid ill say the wrong thing because that has happened as well. I am afraid of him and thats bad but I think he's a little afraid himself because he won't call me and profess these feelings (he supposedly has) as well. Surpisingly, he's known for his machismo. He seems reluctant to talk about us and I hate it. I'm never like this with anyone else. Its been a year and a half already. But im used to this. Fear attracts fear. But im tired of it. God please send me a real man. Someone who is not afraid to admit how they feel. Especially if they dont love me and they're trying to take advantage of me. Im so confused and I dont want to be confused any longer. I need to stand up to my students and assert my authority so they can therefore respect me more. There's so much work that I need to do. I think I lost my motivation. I used to be so passionate about things now they dont really matter. What happened? I need to find it.

A relationship in a week

I never understood why people got into relationships and broke up after a week until it happened to me.
I dated a mut. He was Irish and Mexican (I know the polarity right?). He was just as bipolar as his identity. Haha! I met him at a Mexican restaurant in the Bronx (Go figure. I thought I had found the one. How foolish I was. Eventually, I realized that this person had some serious unresolved issues. He was very attractive and intelligent yet equally as crazy, aggressive, abrasive, sarcastic (I hated his sarcasm), needy,  clingy, annoying, and the worse pathological lier you'll probably ever meet. But its all a learning lesson right? I had to let him go. My spirit was in dis-ease. Every time I was around him we would argue and I would feel depressed. That is when I realized that I loved myself too much to put myself through that especially with someone ive only knew for 3 weeks. Hence, my body would not allow itself to be attracted to him. Some kind of mental blockage right? its amazing how the mind, body and soul work in conjunction with eachother. Asset over liability next time V! Never fall for the superficial...

Ephemeral Creation

            Albert Camus uses The Myth of Sisyphus as a didactic elucidation, offering guidance into the world of absurdity. He titles one of his excerpts “Ephemeral Creation,” which appears on page113. Ephemeral Creation, meaning a transitory creation not expected to exist for a long time, opens with the notion that hope is inevitable, ubiquitous, and eternal. Most creators embody this very essence of optimism conscious that their work will not persevere. However, they continue to exert the necessary amount effort to completing that work of art. It is a result of faith or passion as one would have with Christianity. The contradiction between heretics and religion ironically has had a more effective benefit to orthodox dogma. This equation is relatively similar to the absurd. Thus the civilization depends on rebellion and deviance in order to set its moral restraints. In addition, Art is germane to understanding a great work. Artists or absurd intellects tend to propagate something that did not exist before despite their realization that it might be insignificant in the future. They use their art as an instrument for expressing their comprehension of the world which does not offer any answers. An author’s ingenious creation is subject to mutability because it is solely based on one person’s perspective of life. An author’s work defines them. His proliferation of works either complements or contradict one another all adding to the author’s reputation. The only thing that will impede creation is the death of the creator. It is possible that the success of an innovation is due to others who share similar assumptions. Other works may lack the same ingenuity or may not be as lucid. Creations acquire most of its meaning after the creator’s death; however, they are nothing more than failures because they enclose the mystery of its very nature. Inventions are the most insightful and indicative evidence of human desire to explain humanity. Mankind are bestowed the gift to cogitate, speculate, evaluate, contrive, dissent, and make sense of their reality. They are allotted the genuine gift of challenging and exploring truths. These are the principles of the absurd. On the contrary, truths cannot be proven, merely with thought. Innovators are rebellious philosophers who seek clarity through their works. Artists endeavor to prove something that only they can apprehend. Moreover, creators are accountable for rendering their works absurd because they are incapable of being the superhuman that is required to conceive the world.

 Diversity gives birth to art. Art in return gives voice to life.  The creator is aware of the responsibility that is required in a creation. Therefore, his diligence exemplifies his will to control his fate. The final step an author must take is to be able to relinquish their promises and attempts. They have to be able to face the cognizance that his work will be unsuccessful and inadequate. They must acknowledge that the only outcome to look forward to and that is the cessation of their life. Freedom grants man the sole opportunity to explain the world. Irrational stories that attempt to explain the world only enhances the illusion. It moves man farther from reality. That is why creators must take a on a very arduous task, creating something that will not last.

No Room for Vegetarians

As I become more and more vegetarian and closer to the realization that maybe I never really liked meat to begin with, the more I realize how difficult it is to live in a world where meat is the focal point of their diet. The consumption of meat is this country is like no other. There is not a restaurant in this country that does not serve meat unless it is a vegetarian-focused restaurant. So it has been extremely difficult for me especially in the beginning to get acquainted to such a lifestyle. It is especially hard during holiday times such as this thanksgiving day when I don't mind being devoid of meat but I am not willing to give up pasta and cheese. So I would  much rather stick to a vegetarian diet because it seems not only beneficial but easier and more enjoyable. I definitely had my share of raw food veganism and I noticed that I just have not gained the strength to go that far yet. For example, my earth salad is still sitting in the fridge and it's been 3 weeks now. As a result, I've learned that meat eaters, carb lovers and meat by products lovers have been so programmed to love these indulgences to the extent where they cannot see life without it. And to the extent where it bothers your soul and emotions because emotions are usually linked with food. You ever heard of that saying about why they call soul food soul food it's because all you are going to have left is your soul when you're done eating it. It's a cute pun but a truism in a way. I say this because my grandmother was the queen of soul food and southern food. That's all she knew how to cook when she was growing up on the south and everyone enjoyed her food. Now she has high blood pressure and she is at risk for diabetes she needs a cane to walk. It's just the worse condition I have ever saw her in. I guess all that soul food finally caught up to her. It's so scary though! 

The Fancy Car and The Man Behind The Wheel

Ever wondered why we are so obsessed with owning a car? Its always on the list of goals to accomplish for most of us. Well in life we strive to demonstrate our value to others and cars are one of the major facets of our success. So ask yourself, what is the difference between the man with no car, the man behind the wheel of a devalued car and the man behind the wheel of a very valuable car like a bougatti. Then ask yourself which one do you want to be or be with? You see, the initial attraction to a person who approaches you is the type of car he has if he has any at all. When a man approaches you in a Bentley, lets face it you're attention is not on the guy. Its on the car. But the crux of my point is, the person behind the wheel serves as a metaphor for driving his or her success. And the success that he's driving is what makes the person so much more attractive. More attractive than the person driving a 2001 saturn with scrapes, bumps and a dingy interior. Because you know that cars been through a whole lot and so has the driver. Or else he or she doesn't care about the car they own or their value. It can also mean that they want success but they are enduring some struggles to get there. So be observant of these transitions in a person's life before you make decisions to be with them. Are they drivers of their own destiny or are they struggling to be there? And most importantly are they driving on the same road as you?

Nakedness

I was on the bus yesterday and I saw these three shirtless boys and I asked myself: to what extent is the premise of indecent exposure? Why is it that the laws of civilization allows males to walk around shirtless while excluding females from this privilege? Why is common law so unjust to women in this manner? Now the answer is not as simple as you think it is. You may say well shirtless women may elicit sexual attention. But then I ask doesn't shirtless men do the same? You may reply well women lack the physical strength or sexual interest to rape a man in this manner. But that's only an excuse for our inability to obey moral code and control the un-contained, barbaric, sexual libido thus provoked by such stimuli in men. We must admit that our men are weak. Saying that a woman should not dress a certain way because your a man and you may want to do something with her only implies your lack of control of your own sexual behavioral thought patterns. Hence, naked women was not always sexually provocative. Early tribesman and clansmen, even the ones present today did not and do not wear much clothes and they do not deem this nakedness in women to be provocative. Now I know its their culture and things are different here. But think about the process of evolution that has made these things different and caused us to change our perspectives on dress code, sex, and mating. It is as far from nature as we can possibly get. And I know it may seem like I'm only stating the obvious but the thoughts and speculation of evolution and time is really what amazes me. And I want you all to think about the part we play in this world and how there are people living on this planet with completely opposing outlooks on life, happiness and overall welfare. Maybe we got it all wrong. Just maybe.

P.S. I'm not implying that we should all just walk around naked and free and I am not implying that I think its acceptable. It was just a thought that crossed my mind that I was willing to share. I am a very professional person and I do not condone inappropriate clothing at any costs.

Who Am I or Who I Am

A good teacher once taught me that people change every 5 years. And I became cognizant that Who I Was 5 years ago and Who I Am now are distinctively opposed to one another. And that change happens in fives. It doesn't matter what your catalyst is. Evolution is inevitable. And As humans we must admit that time is inevitable and that no progeny of the "breath of life" are deemed eternally immutable. A life subject to ennui or prosaic is almost impossible on the basis of subjective interpretation. Its just absurd. And this is what resonated with me the most. Let me explain...

I sometimes go into these pensive trance-like states about how much my life has changed as far as physical, mental and spiritual growth. And it amazes me how the present captivates us so much that we almost forget about the person we used to be and that the concept of time travel only exists as a mere thought. The only method of effective time travel would most likely be to have access to the spiritual realm. And most of us are not only reluctant to do that or believe in it, but we will never be able to do it in our life time. You see physically traveling in time is not only impossible without the spirit but also unfathomable. Its just as farfetched as saying that Man created the milky way. Thus you would have to truly believe such method existed. So all we have as rudimentary access to time traveling are memories best evoked by pictures and videos. And lets not forget artifacts like writing such as the documentation I am doing now. The best artifacts are recorded through these sources.

We are always endeavoring to improve ourselves. To make our lives more meaningful. Since we are ephemeral beings, we only have a very short time here on Earth. So how we want to spend it is under our discretion. But time is not what we have control over. The despair of getting old encounters us all as well as the question of what makes me truly happy? Or simply Who Am I? Now I know you're thinking, where is this heading? But you will know exactly where in a few seconds. All humans are fickle whether you believe it or not. Just take a look at the conservatives, aren't they just as mentally, evolving as liberals? That is because they come from the same breed. These conservatives change with time and of course the political mileau. The conservatives today should be called liberals because they are incomparable to the conservatives a century ago. They are way more lenient as to family structure and religious practice in conjunction with lifestyle. The true definition of a conservative is a person who wants to sustain (or conserve) the status quo. Therefore, they follow whatever the status quo is of the time and status quo never stays the same.

So who are you? You are a product of time and the climate that ubiquitously surrounds you. And whoever thinks that questioning your identity is a product of age is false because we will always question our identity. We will even question our identity on our death beds along with the question: did I truly live a fulfilling life? And it can be the most painful of all.

Personally, I question my identity all the time. Along with what is the true meaning of life? I took this philosophy class in college called The Meaning Of Life and I will never forget my Jewish professor telling us that he had troubles sleeping at night because he would stay up trying to answer this question. I find it amusing now because I currently struggle with that so I understand what he was going through. But the desperation to find this true meaning haunts us all. I thought we would find the answer to the question by the end of class but unfortunately we did not. Instead he left us to find our own interpretation. The point of the class was just to understand others'. So I remember sitting there upset about this failure and not doing so well on the final (lol). But now I am beyond grateful that i've taken that class because it was one of the few classes that has helped shaped my mental and spiritual growth and separate me from other laymen. Now I know layman sounds like a derogatory term but I interpret it as God's beloved children that still have yet to reach their full potential. Therefore, I am still somewhat considered a layman for I am still learning and I will never know everything. For God is the only omniscient entity.


Everything happens in fives?


Yes. I have come to the conclusion that it takes about five years to make a complete transformation. Thus meaning your cells, mind and spirit are constantly changing each day but your mind and spirit won't completely change until a five year period has passed. Now my philosophy is not backed by scientific reasoning. It is fundamentally supported by personal experience and logic. For example if you were in a five year relationship, according the intensity of the breakup, the stage of maturity you are in when it happens and other extraneous factors (i.e rebound relationship or sex) it can take either 5 weeks, 5 months or 5 years for you to fully get over the person. And sometimes people walk into your life at the right times and can serve as pivotal catalysts. They may come during a period of personal exploration, financial hardship, religious speculation, confusion and others. What ever you are going through your subconscious mind will attract resolutions. And sometimes these can be resolutions in disguise. So be careful they can make matters worse. And remember that there is no way to escape bondage by having sex. Sex=You Are Bound to A Life of Bondage. Whether you use protection or not you are allowing yourself to be someone else's property. Especially as a woman with our emotions wired to every thing else. I am not innocent but I have learned that sex would either result in a pregnancy, an STD or years of mental bondage and confusion. There is no escape.

5 years ago I was docile, weak and mentally pre-mature. I did not have the same freedoms. I was trapped by the fear of competition. Despite all my success and accomplishments I still felt like I was not good enough and I was in a relationship that I felt like I could not survive with out. I spent almost everyday with my boyfriend and I cried every time I even thought he even looked at another girl. I was dangerously in love. Needless to say, I've come a long way. And I don't think I'll ever feel that way again.


So today I may be a Israelite-Christian. Next year I may be a Nomadic Explorer . The year after that I may even be Religious Minister. But I will always remember that I am constantly evolving and that its ok. Its going to be alright. Its only going to get me closer to finding the answer. Just as long as I believe in God.

The Psychosis of The Black Diaspora (Part 1)

When I was growing up, what separated me from most girls my age was my  profound desire to understand the unknown also known as my weirdness. You see i was the type of kid who was more interested in building robots and making bombs or going on a daily excursion to the museum of natural history just to gawk at the exhibits.  I've always tried to make sense of things. My mind was and still is like a super powered engined locomotive. I hypothesized results to all my biggest quanderies.  For instance, when it rained it meant that God was taking a shower or that being saved meant that God had you as a contact in his phone book. I had the answers to everything. Or at least I thought I did. But I was still naive. Being kept away from exploration, I felt imprisoned. I later realized I was imprisoned by the continuous psychosis of the black mind. Yes and I inherited it indeed. Imprisoned by a long history of fear, superstition, and sexual taboo.

This psychosis is a powerful one. One of the most powerful in human history along with the influence of Nazism. I'm sure you heard of the term "in the box". Well the African American mind is sealed within a small unshipped box in the ocean alongside some small unknown island. Do you agree? If you don't then I'm sorry my dear but you are still in the box. And it doesn't have to take years to get out but lots of strategical planning and research. There's a lot that goes into it. But when you are out, your spectrum of the world will be so overwhelmingly frightening it would almost seem super natural. You would start to dismiss anything you've ever feared before because you'll realize those are just minuscule illusions.

My family has never been the epitome of high moral standards but they were ready to judge others who were less than perfect. More or less different than themselves. We are the typical status quo of a working class African-American family. Matriarchs a muck. There was no telling that the head strong women in my family weren't going to be married one day. Thus they were the strong Renaissance women, hard-working and no one could tell them anything. I was raised to be that young women. But I always wondered why the women in my family were not married or were able to sustain decent relationships to say the least. A long loveless life devoid of a partner. And I came to the conclusion that that was a lifestyle that I did not want. So I was naturally gentler in communication. I wasn't your typical fiesty domineering, contemptuous black girl that everyone in my family portrayed and admired. I was always the good girl. So I was different and I've always felt incongruous to the family circle. But nevertheless, they are the reason why I've been able to maintain my demure yet my decorum. TO BE CONTINUED

When I walk into a room full of black people all I feel are their stares all I see are their stares and I can almost hear their thoughts. Not knowing what to expect whether it be a positive comment or a negative gesture all I think about is the difficulty to escape such judgement from not only my own people but the people who do not look like me. You see judgement from people who do not look like me is much greater especially when words are left unspoken. When  I speak I am freeing myself, freeing myself from all the possible criticism that lies in the hearts of these people who think all people that look like me represent a particular stereotype. Truth is, I was always that weird kid. I was square. Ask anyone who knows me. I used my education and accomplishments to not only decipher the invisible codes from our world but to enhance my drive for living. Hence without my intelligence and my accomplishments I would cease to exist. For I am alone. I wasn't the cool girl who got all the guys before. I wasn't the girl who had all the friends before. Now I am or in other words  becoming that person. My body was never a glamorized mechanism for social fulfillment. That stuff never interested me until now. Now I know that I can use my looks to fool people and fuck their minds. Because no one expects a pretty girl to be this smart.

I Know Who You Are

I know who you are and I do not fear you...
You are the person who gets their energy from innocent souls, tell them that you love them and rob them blind
You know the bible inside out
You know the truth but maintain you're existence from people who do not
Offering help but knowing you won't give it
Flaunting a lifestyle as a tactic to take advantage
Attempting to flatter me with all the languages you know
You are the unbitten fruit that tries to lure innocent spirits with deception and by selling an illusion
Deception is your power you are one of the darkest beasts of all
Positing that the bible is just a story while your people conquer the World
Claiming to be multi religious and agnostic but living a sinister lifestyle
Gazed and amazed at the serpent on the discovery channel
Robbing and exploiting the African people and their land
Yet boasting your philanthropy
Attempting to fool by saying your people are the holy people in the bible and are entitled to the holy land
Claiming to be of the same African descent like me
But portraying nothing but a charlatan and scoundrel
How can I love You
Trickery and Mind Fuckery will never last
But you asked for my heart and I'm afraid I gave it to you
I feel it's too late
I can't believe I've met some thing like you
But its definitely a lesson learned
I've allowed you to get under my skin and penetrate my soul
Now I can't get you out of my head
Please stop this torment
I bid my soul clean again

This Thing Called Life

At this present time I am at the highest height of my consciousness, the pinnacle of my grandeur, the crescendo of my intellectual ability. I thank God for giving me these cognitive abilities, thus I am not only able to think but analyze with great spectrum. I feel that my life has purpose and this is my philosophy: I am the owner of my destiny. No one can empower me but myself and no one can love me like myself. I have came to the the conclusion that this thing called life is easier than I thought. All it takes is sacrifice, a clear mind, a clean body, and constant flow of positive energy to attract only the best things in life. And of course a clean environment because like your mind, the storage of gunk is an unnecessary hindrance. For I am the one who has attracted all of the success whether big or small into my life. No one forced me to read what I read, no one forced me to watch what I watch, no one forced me to go where I go and love who I love. Which is why I study on my own time even when I'm not in school. I will forever love to learn and I thank God for that too. I vow to be a conduit for the positive flow of energy and I will share this wonderful journey with the world. Spreading peace and love and outliving my greatest desires. As well as educating and motivating people around the world. My life has purpose...

Thank You

The Challenges of being Mocha

I LOVE MY SKIN.

I love how it glows in the sun light. How it compliments every color I wear. How unique and exotic my tan looks in the summer. How radiant it looks in the winter. How it protects me from skin cancer. I love every inch of my skin and every hint of melanin in my cells that create ME.

I LOVE MY HAIR.

I love how it thick it is. How course it is. How long it is. How fast it grows. How strong it is. I love its dark hue and the hints of red hue that emerge with the help of the sun. I love how it protects me from lice and other invaders. I love my kinks and how it curls with out a distinct pattern. I love how it can transform from straight to kinky in one day. I love how my hair grows up towards the sun establishing my divine connection with God.  I love how my hair is historically related to the definition of 9 ether. I love its density and the fact that it can be drier than the Saharan desert. I love my AFRO. I love how people stare at it when I walk into a room. It reminds me that its the most unique on the planet.

I LOVE MY ANCESTORS.

I love how I am a descendant of the most powerful, intellectual and opulent human beings that have ever walked on this planet. I love my African brothers and sisters who have not only paved the way for my success but the success of Caucasians. I love mother Africa with her cornucopia of wealth and supply of rare goods. I love knowing that I am related to the people who built the pyramids of Giza or Tariq and his army of moors from Africa who conquered Spain in 711. I love El Hajj Malik Shabazz, Marcus Mosiah Garvey, Martin Luther King, John Henrik Clarke,  and the several others of our fathers who have made remarkable contributions to not only African history but world history.

SO WHY DO MY PEOPLE HATE ALL OF THIS.

Why are my people afraid of being their selves? How can people walk around saying they are the realest people on the planet but display themselves as the most fraudulent? Its the most confusing dichotomy. The least you can do is be true to your blackness. Having a fat ass or voluptuous breast or a ratchet hood personality does not make you true to your blackness. And if having that is all you have to show for yourself then honey, good luck with finding mr. right.

So why am I always accused of being fake? And why did my  75 year old grandmother make this VERY FALSE assumption about my natural hair:  "I bet you get a lot of those Africans boys trying to talk to you now, right?" My response was: "You want to know something grandma, in fact I don't. I wish I did! But I get quite the opposite! Since I've been natural I have been a magnet to the most non-black and mature men that I have ever seen in my entire life!" Why is that? Its a very dismal reality isn't it? We think we will be more accepted by the white man if we change ourselves when in fact we still aren't. We are so beautiful that they taught us to hate ourselves. And to think black men would complain about the black woman and her relics with the non-black man. 

Its all our fault. (And I'm only perceived as fake because those accusers  are not accustomed to the truth.) Call it brainwash and ignorance. And I love my grandmother, she has a lot of experiences to share but just because you are old does not make you free from ignorance. Remember ignorance truly is bliss. Maybe if we loved ourselves more, others will love us back and appreciate us more. Especially if it was passed down from our elders. Not saying that we need validation from others. Just saying that the acknowledgment of our natural beauty is the next step to making us stronger as a group. But I digress. I blame my nature. The fact that I've noticed that I rarely received attention from any other man than a black man the years before I started to wear my natural hair and all of our black men are in these music videos glorifying the European or the European-looking woman, disgusts me! We can't have both our men and our women hating themselves. And they complain when the majority of women they sought after are not natural. Its not called settling its called ATTRACTION. So don't get upset when i'd rather have a non-black man than deal with a confused man like yourself with your attractions. And I love black men but the mentality of this generations black men seems unrepairable. (Maybe thats why I date older men). And what makes it so obscure is that my ideal black man is difficult to find because his prejudices cause him to expect me to be like any other black women so he continues to date the superficial black women or he dates a non-black woman in which he shows off like a pendant of his success. And this cycle from both of us renders us both at fault.

So why so much self-hatred?

LACK OF EDUCATION.

The education and empowerment of our people is the most essential factor in our recovery. Look I'm only 22 and I know people in their 50's who don't even know what I know or preach what I preach. So that's all I have to say. 
P.S. The internet makes most things accessible nowadays. 

Last words: 
If you were not born that way then it is not you. 
"Let us remove the kinks from our mind and not our hair"- Marcus Garvey
I dont care who he is, if he does not accept you for who you are then he is not worth your time...

Love and Nature

Is love natural? If so, I then ask you this, Is love more natural than sex?

We are humans all driven by the desire to mate and procreate. So why do we stress over the fear of being single for the rest of our lives or living with out a partner who will provide this affection that we don't quite understand?

Yes, what distinguishes us from animals is that our ability to think is far more advanced than any other species on the planet.

So does that explain why we feel the need to have someone reciprocate a similar nurturing affection that we are supposed to receive from our parents?

No.

Love. Our oldest phenomenon. It can never be explained because it didn't start as natural. It is an advanced form of social construction transcribed into our DNA that allows us to conjure these emotions that we can not explain.

Over time, we have begun to try and make love more natural than sex. Hence, sex has become taboo in many advanced cultures because of the consequences that seemingly follow. That is why many conservatives believe that sex before marriage is unethical and generates promiscuity. When promiscuity is more likely the reason for our existence.

I am not agreeing that promiscuity should be acceptable because I do not practice it myself.

However, it should not be condemned the way it is.

Over time, humans have tried to coalesce love and sex but it only leaves us confused. And that is when lust comes in. Do I love this person or lust this person? Do I think about this person everyday because I love their personality and I love their soul or am I thinking about this person everyday because their personality makes me want to have sex with them.

Now they say you know you love someone unconditionally when you do things for the person that you would not normally do for anyone else.

Well I disagree. You're doing these things because you think you love this person but you're just infatuated. Unconditional love can only be found within the bond between mother-child, father child bonds or within any other kinship.

Intermingling with other clans is risky because you never know what to expect. Sometimes we have happy endings and most of the time we do not. In the new world relationships are not lasting longer than a week or even a day.

Most marriages fail because of financial greed and the stress that comes with raising children.

But think about it, is it possible to stare at a person and be genuinely satisfied for the rest of your life without wanting to strangle the #$@% out of them?

You get the point.

Every individual was uniquely created and brought into this world alone (not of course if you were a twin, but I digress). So why stress over the most unnatural things. Just live your life in your fruition.

The Paradoxical Demands of Men

Men what do you really want in a woman or a wife? Some of the qualities that you guys ask for contradict each other and then you complain about how difficult it is to find a wife or a real woman. You are confusing us. We are going to make mistakes for the rest our lives trying to live by your standards. Here's why:

One of the major reasons is that you say you want a good girl but you always chase the bad ones. Either you'll have the typical good girl and you'll cheat, take a break ask for an open relationship or leave her for a hood rat, hoe, or ratchet, conniving woman. No I am not saying this because I have any resentment because I do not. My opinions are based solely on observation. Do you really live your entire lives in such a confused state? It seems like you're never satisfied with only one girl. Quality over quantity. Most of you never get the memo.

Some of you say you like the chase but you want cooperation...umm what? Its either or. Whether we let you chase or cooperate I've noticed that were still not guaranteed in keeping you around. Whether we take care of you or not, whether we're submissive or not, we're still not guaranteed in keeping you around. So what is it?

Stop F***ing the game up! Lol 

If you are MY MAN....I OWN you!!!!

She's Bald, She's Bold, She's Beautiful...

For those who do not know of her, she goes by the names YoliBam, Yolisa Bam or Lebanandi. She is phenomenal! I love her and I am truly inspired by her! She is a South African-American music artist, author, and motivational speaker. Look up her Youtube channel.


Basically in this video she talks about how many black women fall into the category of being a "Bitch" by exhibiting controlling and domineering characteristics. She continues by saying that we as women need to accept that it is ok to be submissive. We need to let go of our fears of showing emotion because we are women and that's just how we are wired. Everyone knows that.


side note:

This video really spoke to me especially at this moment in my life where I am strive to find  a balance in my relationships, to establish myself and evaluate my interests. I can be extremely emotional and I don't take criticism very well but what can I say I am only human.


However, we have to stop carrying on baggage from relationship to relationship. This applies to men and women. Its just going to perpetuate a never-ending cycle. Just because someone screwed you over does not mean you have to harden up and be unfriendly, rude or controlling. Let your man be a man but find a balance.


I felt as if the video geared more towards the man's behalf and how he feels about these types of women. She defended them by saying that we women need to change our behaviors and attitudes towards our men but I believe that black men and women share an equal responsibility in the dysfunction of our relationships. Therefore, I responded by saying:


"I completely agree with you yet there are some men who expect that domineering disposition maybe because they were raised by a woman of that nature. Hence they equate that possessiveness with love and care. I know this because I have a boyfriend like this and as soon as he notices that I am being submissive or insensitive to his whereabouts he takes it as me losing interest or having interest in someone else. How can we explain this?"


Well, I just explained it. If the man is accustomed to being treated that way by his mother, spouse, girlfriend, grandmother, or any other significant woman in his life then he most likely will expect this same attitude from all women that he chooses to be with. Keep in mind they are just as mentally dysfunctional when it comes to relationships because its been passed down. I realized that they also equate this attitude with being strong and beautiful and even I was raised in that sense that being independent, snappy, defensive, and demeaning was to be strong. Hence my own mother was this way. But she's been single for almost 20 years so...I guess that did not work for her.


We need to start by slowly fixing these subtleties one step at a time so that they don't keep manifesting in the next generations to come. Together we will break the cycle!

Sex Idols and why they distort young women

The other day an evangelist preacher came on to the train and my first reaction was Lord is he going to do all of that shouting and telling people that they are going to hell? Surprisingly he was pretty good. So interesting that what he said resonated with me. Now it was nothing that I did not know about but it was his delivery that captured us. He was not trying to scare us and he did not seem schizophrenic. Instead he was telling us that God is forgiving and he understands your mistakes therefore its not too late. He said that the reason why most of us on the train were probably going to go home and have sex, smoke weed, drink or take any other type of drug, etc is because we are trying to find peace within those things. 

  What really caught my attention was when he talked about the media's influence. He spoke about how our women (black women) are selling their bodies to the media as video vixens to make a living for themselves. Thoughts of my past watching music videos automatically invaded my mind. I grew up on music videos because of my mother which is probably why I hate them now. I hate 106 & park and all of BET and MTV. I was so influenced by those videos its sad. I wanted those bodies, I wanted the attention from men, yea I wore those tight things when I was a teenager, and I relaxed my hair. I was to young to know any better and of course my parents didn't. What's even more disappointing is like many women my age, I've carried some of this into my adulthood. 

Back in those days women like Khia, Trina, Lil Kim, Mya and other sex symbols were our idols because there were and still are very few black women in the media, especially very few positive role models. And over time I watched as the music videos became increasingly raw and misogynistic. Remember BET uncut when they would show all those dirty videos at night and the irony of the gospel in the morning. How typical BET. Now they show these videos all throughout the day and just block all of the explicit words. American culture is now overtly sexual and very hard to escape if its all you've known. I will always be me but sometimes I fall weak to those hypnotizing beats in those degrading "young money" tracks. As much as I hate them for the distortion of the female, Its terribly hard to escape. 

     I also thought about how in high school me and my friends would talk about pole dancing. Even though we would never do it professionally, it just looked so amazing to us. We even wanted to take the classes. The video vixens and models in the videos looked hot doing it and we thought that's what men wanted. But I learned being sexy will get you a lot of things but it won't get you very far. Yea it'll get you a sex friend, maybe a temporary man or even a job but if you want to be married, you have to be more than just sexy honey. And i'm sure most of us want a stable boyfriend. FYI: men don't prefer to marry chicks that are known for being sex objects, symbols, or hoes. When I say hoes I mean women who continually make mistakes with the same types of men. These women usually have a lot of bodies by the age of 30 and then wonder why they're not married and men their age are going for younger girls. Like comedian Patrice Oneill said, Why have a hooptie when you can have a brand new benz!  Having that many bodies is not sexy. Maybe for men but not women. We gotta understand yea we are sexually independent but we can't do all the same things as men if we want to keep one. We live in a sexist patriarch. We have to play their game.

I know women like Rihanna, Beyonce, Kim Kardashian and even Nikki Minaj are the stereotypical beauties that we all subconsciously try to mimic but they are merely sex symbols. They're all for profit. They don't care about you. It doesn't matter how many charities they own. Its all for show. These people have evil intentions and just because it seems like they live a happy life, they are not fully satisfied. Look what happened to Lauren Hill. See were so brainwashed by this stuff that we probably can't even think otherwise. Look at Rihanna. She got her ass beat by the love of her life and now she's crying for him back. Kind of odd when she can have any man she wants with that body, that face, and that talent, even that MONEY, right? Just like the beautiful miss Evelin from Basketball wives or Kim Kardashian whose sex tape lead her to fame but ruined her chances of a lasting marriage forever. Poor girl :(. I'm sure no one wants to end up like these people so why do we admire them?

   I know a lot of women see that fake hair is acceptable among celebrities. Celebrities pay thousands of dollars for hair and stylists and sometimes it still doesn't look good. The average women doesn't spend much of anything on her hair and it rarely looks good. Now i'm not going to pretend like I've never wore a weave and i am completely against it because weaves when they are done correctly, are a great protective style and can look very good. So of course the will to have a more Eurocentric beauty and big ass and large breasts never really goes away.  It is embedded in our psyches and our men perpetuate it. That's why the media is so distorting. I can honestly say i'm fucked up in the head trying to find happiness now because of it. 

 He ended by saying we need to find peace within God. Since I've been on this spiritual journey that's what I have been trying to do. I know, I'm extremely deep sometimes but I just can not cease to think about how beautiful life is and its origin. This usually helps me detach myself from all of this polished sex culture. My self-esteem is much better because of this. We all need to accept the fact that we are only human. We can't all look like these people or be like them. We need to all find peace within our selves hence our souls are God's conduit, and the beauty will shine from the inside out.