If you are MY MAN....I OWN you!!!!

She's Bald, She's Bold, She's Beautiful...

For those who do not know of her, she goes by the names YoliBam, Yolisa Bam or Lebanandi. She is phenomenal! I love her and I am truly inspired by her! She is a South African-American music artist, author, and motivational speaker. Look up her Youtube channel.


Basically in this video she talks about how many black women fall into the category of being a "Bitch" by exhibiting controlling and domineering characteristics. She continues by saying that we as women need to accept that it is ok to be submissive. We need to let go of our fears of showing emotion because we are women and that's just how we are wired. Everyone knows that.


side note:

This video really spoke to me especially at this moment in my life where I am strive to find  a balance in my relationships, to establish myself and evaluate my interests. I can be extremely emotional and I don't take criticism very well but what can I say I am only human.


However, we have to stop carrying on baggage from relationship to relationship. This applies to men and women. Its just going to perpetuate a never-ending cycle. Just because someone screwed you over does not mean you have to harden up and be unfriendly, rude or controlling. Let your man be a man but find a balance.


I felt as if the video geared more towards the man's behalf and how he feels about these types of women. She defended them by saying that we women need to change our behaviors and attitudes towards our men but I believe that black men and women share an equal responsibility in the dysfunction of our relationships. Therefore, I responded by saying:


"I completely agree with you yet there are some men who expect that domineering disposition maybe because they were raised by a woman of that nature. Hence they equate that possessiveness with love and care. I know this because I have a boyfriend like this and as soon as he notices that I am being submissive or insensitive to his whereabouts he takes it as me losing interest or having interest in someone else. How can we explain this?"


Well, I just explained it. If the man is accustomed to being treated that way by his mother, spouse, girlfriend, grandmother, or any other significant woman in his life then he most likely will expect this same attitude from all women that he chooses to be with. Keep in mind they are just as mentally dysfunctional when it comes to relationships because its been passed down. I realized that they also equate this attitude with being strong and beautiful and even I was raised in that sense that being independent, snappy, defensive, and demeaning was to be strong. Hence my own mother was this way. But she's been single for almost 20 years so...I guess that did not work for her.


We need to start by slowly fixing these subtleties one step at a time so that they don't keep manifesting in the next generations to come. Together we will break the cycle!

Sex Idols and why they distort young women

The other day an evangelist preacher came on to the train and my first reaction was Lord is he going to do all of that shouting and telling people that they are going to hell? Surprisingly he was pretty good. So interesting that what he said resonated with me. Now it was nothing that I did not know about but it was his delivery that captured us. He was not trying to scare us and he did not seem schizophrenic. Instead he was telling us that God is forgiving and he understands your mistakes therefore its not too late. He said that the reason why most of us on the train were probably going to go home and have sex, smoke weed, drink or take any other type of drug, etc is because we are trying to find peace within those things. 

  What really caught my attention was when he talked about the media's influence. He spoke about how our women (black women) are selling their bodies to the media as video vixens to make a living for themselves. Thoughts of my past watching music videos automatically invaded my mind. I grew up on music videos because of my mother which is probably why I hate them now. I hate 106 & park and all of BET and MTV. I was so influenced by those videos its sad. I wanted those bodies, I wanted the attention from men, yea I wore those tight things when I was a teenager, and I relaxed my hair. I was to young to know any better and of course my parents didn't. What's even more disappointing is like many women my age, I've carried some of this into my adulthood. 

Back in those days women like Khia, Trina, Lil Kim, Mya and other sex symbols were our idols because there were and still are very few black women in the media, especially very few positive role models. And over time I watched as the music videos became increasingly raw and misogynistic. Remember BET uncut when they would show all those dirty videos at night and the irony of the gospel in the morning. How typical BET. Now they show these videos all throughout the day and just block all of the explicit words. American culture is now overtly sexual and very hard to escape if its all you've known. I will always be me but sometimes I fall weak to those hypnotizing beats in those degrading "young money" tracks. As much as I hate them for the distortion of the female, Its terribly hard to escape. 

     I also thought about how in high school me and my friends would talk about pole dancing. Even though we would never do it professionally, it just looked so amazing to us. We even wanted to take the classes. The video vixens and models in the videos looked hot doing it and we thought that's what men wanted. But I learned being sexy will get you a lot of things but it won't get you very far. Yea it'll get you a sex friend, maybe a temporary man or even a job but if you want to be married, you have to be more than just sexy honey. And i'm sure most of us want a stable boyfriend. FYI: men don't prefer to marry chicks that are known for being sex objects, symbols, or hoes. When I say hoes I mean women who continually make mistakes with the same types of men. These women usually have a lot of bodies by the age of 30 and then wonder why they're not married and men their age are going for younger girls. Like comedian Patrice Oneill said, Why have a hooptie when you can have a brand new benz!  Having that many bodies is not sexy. Maybe for men but not women. We gotta understand yea we are sexually independent but we can't do all the same things as men if we want to keep one. We live in a sexist patriarch. We have to play their game.

I know women like Rihanna, Beyonce, Kim Kardashian and even Nikki Minaj are the stereotypical beauties that we all subconsciously try to mimic but they are merely sex symbols. They're all for profit. They don't care about you. It doesn't matter how many charities they own. Its all for show. These people have evil intentions and just because it seems like they live a happy life, they are not fully satisfied. Look what happened to Lauren Hill. See were so brainwashed by this stuff that we probably can't even think otherwise. Look at Rihanna. She got her ass beat by the love of her life and now she's crying for him back. Kind of odd when she can have any man she wants with that body, that face, and that talent, even that MONEY, right? Just like the beautiful miss Evelin from Basketball wives or Kim Kardashian whose sex tape lead her to fame but ruined her chances of a lasting marriage forever. Poor girl :(. I'm sure no one wants to end up like these people so why do we admire them?

   I know a lot of women see that fake hair is acceptable among celebrities. Celebrities pay thousands of dollars for hair and stylists and sometimes it still doesn't look good. The average women doesn't spend much of anything on her hair and it rarely looks good. Now i'm not going to pretend like I've never wore a weave and i am completely against it because weaves when they are done correctly, are a great protective style and can look very good. So of course the will to have a more Eurocentric beauty and big ass and large breasts never really goes away.  It is embedded in our psyches and our men perpetuate it. That's why the media is so distorting. I can honestly say i'm fucked up in the head trying to find happiness now because of it. 

 He ended by saying we need to find peace within God. Since I've been on this spiritual journey that's what I have been trying to do. I know, I'm extremely deep sometimes but I just can not cease to think about how beautiful life is and its origin. This usually helps me detach myself from all of this polished sex culture. My self-esteem is much better because of this. We all need to accept the fact that we are only human. We can't all look like these people or be like them. We need to all find peace within our selves hence our souls are God's conduit, and the beauty will shine from the inside out.

Nice Guys Finish Last

   I've definitely had my share of weird men, corny, overly nice men, extremely sensitive and jealous men, players, thugs and criminals but these were just mere encounters. Throughout my life thus far i've only settled down with one person that I now realize is the closest to the perfect balance of sensitivity and aggression. Of course he's not perfect and no one is but I believe that this should be the prototype for all men. Anyone who knows me will tell you that I am a very nice, friendly and humbled person. However, I do not want my man/spouse to be this way. I can be unassertive at times therefore I can not handle my boyfriend being that way with me. Of course he has to be sweet and funny and not too obnoxious. Submissiveness, fear and extreme sensitivity on the other hand,  is weakness and for goodness sake, unattractive.

      My friends once asked why is it that you like these very opinionated men that most people do not like? I don't know but there is something very sexy about opinionated men. An opinionated man is a smart man. He's not afraid to participate, defend himself and assert himself. I'm an opinionated woman so I like the challenge. There is nothing like a good debate with a real man; makes them so interesting. 

As much as women do not want to admit that we need a man, we do. We need someone to protect us. Yea were much more independent and stronger than ever before but we still need that other half to complete our divine connection with God. So sorry nice guys, we love you but you finish last. Not saying I won't be friends with you because like I mentioned i'm very nice also and I love having friends. However, you will most likely not be boyfriend because the first thing I think about is how is the person intimately. I'm not advising you to be an ass hole but find that perfect balance and you'll rarely have a problem getting what you want. You don't have to look like this gentlemen here. Trust me I've dated some scumbag-looking people! lol. Hence the way you look on the outside is not always important to women. That's a MYTH. We love a good personality, you know some humor and intelligence. Looks are more important to you guys. Btw: I posted this picture of this handsome man but that does not mean i'm only attracted to men who look like this lol I've dated almost every type :).  If your a man and your sexy i'm attracted to you but don't get me wrong I love my black men.

Why I despise shows like Maury, Jerry Springer, Steve Willkos and all this media hype

      Court shows like Judge Mathis and talk shows like, Maury, Jerry Springer, Steve Wilkos, Wendy Williams and all the other "ghetto-tized" shows are major components of my loathing. Hence, they all aid to the destruction of black people as a whole. Black people are so brain washed by the media that watching these shows enforce and imbue very pejorative messages into the black psyche. Then people can't understand why some of our people walk around very naive and feeble minded. These are modern day minstrel shows. Yes, minstrel shows. They never ceased to exist. They've just evolved. 


       And the pejorative messages that are conveyed does not seem to solely reach the African-American community. This is a worldwide issue. This leads to false perceived notions of black behavior around the world. Some of us do not see that we have become a laughing stock to others. It sucks when something we just consider entertainment to us is used as an all-encompassing definition of who we are. Every day I wake up to the sounds of YOU ARE NOT THE FATHER! Of course i'm not watching it but my family sure is. And it is so annoying and enervating to me because despite how much I scorn the show, they continue to watch it every single day. Just plain RATCHETNESS! That's actually an understatement. And our people giving these shows ratings just proves how subjugated we really are. 


     And no, Barack Obama in the media has not made a significant change on how we represent ourselves. When will real change come? White people took away two of our greatest leaders, MLK and Malcolm and left the newer ones low key. Then replaced them with Lil Waynes and Nikki Minajs. Are these really our true heroes? When and how did misogyny become a source of entertainment? This is not just the degradation of women but the degradation of black people. 

      The people exposed on these shows act like trash. All it is is acting and exaggeration because these people are paid to lie on these shows. And to think I actually supported this blasphemy by attending both the Wendy Williams show and the Maury show. Worst mistake of my life! The Maury show was the least enjoyable. It was so scripted and just trashy. I don't recommend attending any these shows because you are feeding into this even more by doing so. 

       Why are people still entertained by this stuff after so many years. There are no good role models in any of these shows and they even have our babies spectating. Come on people!

Intro

Introduction

First I would like to start by saying that I am beyond joyful to finally have an outlet to vent about my daily experiences and to just finally release all of this internal rambling which plagues my cognitive process. I am so glad to have discovered this site because the Lord only knows how much i've been hiding. It's almost painful how much I have compiled. And to think i've been like this from a very early age. That's some amazing strength!

I was always the shy, quiet type. Almost anyone could bully me. I had a bully in almost every grade in elementary school and it was most likely due to my overly passionate and complacent demeanor. I was so nice to everyone and I still am. However, it is no where near the same extreme that it was when I was little. On top of being nice, I was very fragile, physically and mentally, I never liked fighting. So I never fought. Of course, that does not include the typical sibling/family fights but other than that I was a little angel. I did not want to hurt a fly kind of thing. 

My entire life I sought to find a way to heal this painful shyness and regard for other's judgments but nothing really seemed to work. I thought maybe i'm anti-social but I always had friends (even though most/all of them flocked to me) and I loved talking to them and close relatives. Also, I never really was a violent person. So as I entered my teen years, I thought maybe I need a boyfriend to cure all of this. WRONG IDEA. The only person that can fix this problem is yourself. And that is why I am stuck in a five year relationship that I can not get out of.  I believe that he is the only person that can keep me sane and happy. I also think I met him in a premature stage of my maturing process and stayed with him too long to really find myself. :(


This is very bad people. You should never feel like your happiness is in the hands of someone else. I am 22 and I am just learning this. I am just discovering myself as if I skipped this part during my teen years. As I learn from my mistakes along the way, I will teach you. And I am more than happy to accept your feedback because I like learning from others too. Were in this together.