A relationship in a week

I never understood why people got into relationships and broke up after a week until it happened to me.
I dated a mut. He was Irish and Mexican (I know the polarity right?). He was just as bipolar as his identity. Haha! I met him at a Mexican restaurant in the Bronx (Go figure. I thought I had found the one. How foolish I was. Eventually, I realized that this person had some serious unresolved issues. He was very attractive and intelligent yet equally as crazy, aggressive, abrasive, sarcastic (I hated his sarcasm), needy,  clingy, annoying, and the worse pathological lier you'll probably ever meet. But its all a learning lesson right? I had to let him go. My spirit was in dis-ease. Every time I was around him we would argue and I would feel depressed. That is when I realized that I loved myself too much to put myself through that especially with someone ive only knew for 3 weeks. Hence, my body would not allow itself to be attracted to him. Some kind of mental blockage right? its amazing how the mind, body and soul work in conjunction with eachother. Asset over liability next time V! Never fall for the superficial...

Ephemeral Creation

            Albert Camus uses The Myth of Sisyphus as a didactic elucidation, offering guidance into the world of absurdity. He titles one of his excerpts “Ephemeral Creation,” which appears on page113. Ephemeral Creation, meaning a transitory creation not expected to exist for a long time, opens with the notion that hope is inevitable, ubiquitous, and eternal. Most creators embody this very essence of optimism conscious that their work will not persevere. However, they continue to exert the necessary amount effort to completing that work of art. It is a result of faith or passion as one would have with Christianity. The contradiction between heretics and religion ironically has had a more effective benefit to orthodox dogma. This equation is relatively similar to the absurd. Thus the civilization depends on rebellion and deviance in order to set its moral restraints. In addition, Art is germane to understanding a great work. Artists or absurd intellects tend to propagate something that did not exist before despite their realization that it might be insignificant in the future. They use their art as an instrument for expressing their comprehension of the world which does not offer any answers. An author’s ingenious creation is subject to mutability because it is solely based on one person’s perspective of life. An author’s work defines them. His proliferation of works either complements or contradict one another all adding to the author’s reputation. The only thing that will impede creation is the death of the creator. It is possible that the success of an innovation is due to others who share similar assumptions. Other works may lack the same ingenuity or may not be as lucid. Creations acquire most of its meaning after the creator’s death; however, they are nothing more than failures because they enclose the mystery of its very nature. Inventions are the most insightful and indicative evidence of human desire to explain humanity. Mankind are bestowed the gift to cogitate, speculate, evaluate, contrive, dissent, and make sense of their reality. They are allotted the genuine gift of challenging and exploring truths. These are the principles of the absurd. On the contrary, truths cannot be proven, merely with thought. Innovators are rebellious philosophers who seek clarity through their works. Artists endeavor to prove something that only they can apprehend. Moreover, creators are accountable for rendering their works absurd because they are incapable of being the superhuman that is required to conceive the world.

 Diversity gives birth to art. Art in return gives voice to life.  The creator is aware of the responsibility that is required in a creation. Therefore, his diligence exemplifies his will to control his fate. The final step an author must take is to be able to relinquish their promises and attempts. They have to be able to face the cognizance that his work will be unsuccessful and inadequate. They must acknowledge that the only outcome to look forward to and that is the cessation of their life. Freedom grants man the sole opportunity to explain the world. Irrational stories that attempt to explain the world only enhances the illusion. It moves man farther from reality. That is why creators must take a on a very arduous task, creating something that will not last.

No Room for Vegetarians

As I become more and more vegetarian and closer to the realization that maybe I never really liked meat to begin with, the more I realize how difficult it is to live in a world where meat is the focal point of their diet. The consumption of meat is this country is like no other. There is not a restaurant in this country that does not serve meat unless it is a vegetarian-focused restaurant. So it has been extremely difficult for me especially in the beginning to get acquainted to such a lifestyle. It is especially hard during holiday times such as this thanksgiving day when I don't mind being devoid of meat but I am not willing to give up pasta and cheese. So I would  much rather stick to a vegetarian diet because it seems not only beneficial but easier and more enjoyable. I definitely had my share of raw food veganism and I noticed that I just have not gained the strength to go that far yet. For example, my earth salad is still sitting in the fridge and it's been 3 weeks now. As a result, I've learned that meat eaters, carb lovers and meat by products lovers have been so programmed to love these indulgences to the extent where they cannot see life without it. And to the extent where it bothers your soul and emotions because emotions are usually linked with food. You ever heard of that saying about why they call soul food soul food it's because all you are going to have left is your soul when you're done eating it. It's a cute pun but a truism in a way. I say this because my grandmother was the queen of soul food and southern food. That's all she knew how to cook when she was growing up on the south and everyone enjoyed her food. Now she has high blood pressure and she is at risk for diabetes she needs a cane to walk. It's just the worse condition I have ever saw her in. I guess all that soul food finally caught up to her. It's so scary though! 

The Fancy Car and The Man Behind The Wheel

Ever wondered why we are so obsessed with owning a car? Its always on the list of goals to accomplish for most of us. Well in life we strive to demonstrate our value to others and cars are one of the major facets of our success. So ask yourself, what is the difference between the man with no car, the man behind the wheel of a devalued car and the man behind the wheel of a very valuable car like a bougatti. Then ask yourself which one do you want to be or be with? You see, the initial attraction to a person who approaches you is the type of car he has if he has any at all. When a man approaches you in a Bentley, lets face it you're attention is not on the guy. Its on the car. But the crux of my point is, the person behind the wheel serves as a metaphor for driving his or her success. And the success that he's driving is what makes the person so much more attractive. More attractive than the person driving a 2001 saturn with scrapes, bumps and a dingy interior. Because you know that cars been through a whole lot and so has the driver. Or else he or she doesn't care about the car they own or their value. It can also mean that they want success but they are enduring some struggles to get there. So be observant of these transitions in a person's life before you make decisions to be with them. Are they drivers of their own destiny or are they struggling to be there? And most importantly are they driving on the same road as you?

Nakedness

I was on the bus yesterday and I saw these three shirtless boys and I asked myself: to what extent is the premise of indecent exposure? Why is it that the laws of civilization allows males to walk around shirtless while excluding females from this privilege? Why is common law so unjust to women in this manner? Now the answer is not as simple as you think it is. You may say well shirtless women may elicit sexual attention. But then I ask doesn't shirtless men do the same? You may reply well women lack the physical strength or sexual interest to rape a man in this manner. But that's only an excuse for our inability to obey moral code and control the un-contained, barbaric, sexual libido thus provoked by such stimuli in men. We must admit that our men are weak. Saying that a woman should not dress a certain way because your a man and you may want to do something with her only implies your lack of control of your own sexual behavioral thought patterns. Hence, naked women was not always sexually provocative. Early tribesman and clansmen, even the ones present today did not and do not wear much clothes and they do not deem this nakedness in women to be provocative. Now I know its their culture and things are different here. But think about the process of evolution that has made these things different and caused us to change our perspectives on dress code, sex, and mating. It is as far from nature as we can possibly get. And I know it may seem like I'm only stating the obvious but the thoughts and speculation of evolution and time is really what amazes me. And I want you all to think about the part we play in this world and how there are people living on this planet with completely opposing outlooks on life, happiness and overall welfare. Maybe we got it all wrong. Just maybe.

P.S. I'm not implying that we should all just walk around naked and free and I am not implying that I think its acceptable. It was just a thought that crossed my mind that I was willing to share. I am a very professional person and I do not condone inappropriate clothing at any costs.

Who Am I or Who I Am

A good teacher once taught me that people change every 5 years. And I became cognizant that Who I Was 5 years ago and Who I Am now are distinctively opposed to one another. And that change happens in fives. It doesn't matter what your catalyst is. Evolution is inevitable. And As humans we must admit that time is inevitable and that no progeny of the "breath of life" are deemed eternally immutable. A life subject to ennui or prosaic is almost impossible on the basis of subjective interpretation. Its just absurd. And this is what resonated with me the most. Let me explain...

I sometimes go into these pensive trance-like states about how much my life has changed as far as physical, mental and spiritual growth. And it amazes me how the present captivates us so much that we almost forget about the person we used to be and that the concept of time travel only exists as a mere thought. The only method of effective time travel would most likely be to have access to the spiritual realm. And most of us are not only reluctant to do that or believe in it, but we will never be able to do it in our life time. You see physically traveling in time is not only impossible without the spirit but also unfathomable. Its just as farfetched as saying that Man created the milky way. Thus you would have to truly believe such method existed. So all we have as rudimentary access to time traveling are memories best evoked by pictures and videos. And lets not forget artifacts like writing such as the documentation I am doing now. The best artifacts are recorded through these sources.

We are always endeavoring to improve ourselves. To make our lives more meaningful. Since we are ephemeral beings, we only have a very short time here on Earth. So how we want to spend it is under our discretion. But time is not what we have control over. The despair of getting old encounters us all as well as the question of what makes me truly happy? Or simply Who Am I? Now I know you're thinking, where is this heading? But you will know exactly where in a few seconds. All humans are fickle whether you believe it or not. Just take a look at the conservatives, aren't they just as mentally, evolving as liberals? That is because they come from the same breed. These conservatives change with time and of course the political mileau. The conservatives today should be called liberals because they are incomparable to the conservatives a century ago. They are way more lenient as to family structure and religious practice in conjunction with lifestyle. The true definition of a conservative is a person who wants to sustain (or conserve) the status quo. Therefore, they follow whatever the status quo is of the time and status quo never stays the same.

So who are you? You are a product of time and the climate that ubiquitously surrounds you. And whoever thinks that questioning your identity is a product of age is false because we will always question our identity. We will even question our identity on our death beds along with the question: did I truly live a fulfilling life? And it can be the most painful of all.

Personally, I question my identity all the time. Along with what is the true meaning of life? I took this philosophy class in college called The Meaning Of Life and I will never forget my Jewish professor telling us that he had troubles sleeping at night because he would stay up trying to answer this question. I find it amusing now because I currently struggle with that so I understand what he was going through. But the desperation to find this true meaning haunts us all. I thought we would find the answer to the question by the end of class but unfortunately we did not. Instead he left us to find our own interpretation. The point of the class was just to understand others'. So I remember sitting there upset about this failure and not doing so well on the final (lol). But now I am beyond grateful that i've taken that class because it was one of the few classes that has helped shaped my mental and spiritual growth and separate me from other laymen. Now I know layman sounds like a derogatory term but I interpret it as God's beloved children that still have yet to reach their full potential. Therefore, I am still somewhat considered a layman for I am still learning and I will never know everything. For God is the only omniscient entity.


Everything happens in fives?


Yes. I have come to the conclusion that it takes about five years to make a complete transformation. Thus meaning your cells, mind and spirit are constantly changing each day but your mind and spirit won't completely change until a five year period has passed. Now my philosophy is not backed by scientific reasoning. It is fundamentally supported by personal experience and logic. For example if you were in a five year relationship, according the intensity of the breakup, the stage of maturity you are in when it happens and other extraneous factors (i.e rebound relationship or sex) it can take either 5 weeks, 5 months or 5 years for you to fully get over the person. And sometimes people walk into your life at the right times and can serve as pivotal catalysts. They may come during a period of personal exploration, financial hardship, religious speculation, confusion and others. What ever you are going through your subconscious mind will attract resolutions. And sometimes these can be resolutions in disguise. So be careful they can make matters worse. And remember that there is no way to escape bondage by having sex. Sex=You Are Bound to A Life of Bondage. Whether you use protection or not you are allowing yourself to be someone else's property. Especially as a woman with our emotions wired to every thing else. I am not innocent but I have learned that sex would either result in a pregnancy, an STD or years of mental bondage and confusion. There is no escape.

5 years ago I was docile, weak and mentally pre-mature. I did not have the same freedoms. I was trapped by the fear of competition. Despite all my success and accomplishments I still felt like I was not good enough and I was in a relationship that I felt like I could not survive with out. I spent almost everyday with my boyfriend and I cried every time I even thought he even looked at another girl. I was dangerously in love. Needless to say, I've come a long way. And I don't think I'll ever feel that way again.


So today I may be a Israelite-Christian. Next year I may be a Nomadic Explorer . The year after that I may even be Religious Minister. But I will always remember that I am constantly evolving and that its ok. Its going to be alright. Its only going to get me closer to finding the answer. Just as long as I believe in God.

The Psychosis of The Black Diaspora (Part 1)

When I was growing up, what separated me from most girls my age was my  profound desire to understand the unknown also known as my weirdness. You see i was the type of kid who was more interested in building robots and making bombs or going on a daily excursion to the museum of natural history just to gawk at the exhibits.  I've always tried to make sense of things. My mind was and still is like a super powered engined locomotive. I hypothesized results to all my biggest quanderies.  For instance, when it rained it meant that God was taking a shower or that being saved meant that God had you as a contact in his phone book. I had the answers to everything. Or at least I thought I did. But I was still naive. Being kept away from exploration, I felt imprisoned. I later realized I was imprisoned by the continuous psychosis of the black mind. Yes and I inherited it indeed. Imprisoned by a long history of fear, superstition, and sexual taboo.

This psychosis is a powerful one. One of the most powerful in human history along with the influence of Nazism. I'm sure you heard of the term "in the box". Well the African American mind is sealed within a small unshipped box in the ocean alongside some small unknown island. Do you agree? If you don't then I'm sorry my dear but you are still in the box. And it doesn't have to take years to get out but lots of strategical planning and research. There's a lot that goes into it. But when you are out, your spectrum of the world will be so overwhelmingly frightening it would almost seem super natural. You would start to dismiss anything you've ever feared before because you'll realize those are just minuscule illusions.

My family has never been the epitome of high moral standards but they were ready to judge others who were less than perfect. More or less different than themselves. We are the typical status quo of a working class African-American family. Matriarchs a muck. There was no telling that the head strong women in my family weren't going to be married one day. Thus they were the strong Renaissance women, hard-working and no one could tell them anything. I was raised to be that young women. But I always wondered why the women in my family were not married or were able to sustain decent relationships to say the least. A long loveless life devoid of a partner. And I came to the conclusion that that was a lifestyle that I did not want. So I was naturally gentler in communication. I wasn't your typical fiesty domineering, contemptuous black girl that everyone in my family portrayed and admired. I was always the good girl. So I was different and I've always felt incongruous to the family circle. But nevertheless, they are the reason why I've been able to maintain my demure yet my decorum. TO BE CONTINUED

When I walk into a room full of black people all I feel are their stares all I see are their stares and I can almost hear their thoughts. Not knowing what to expect whether it be a positive comment or a negative gesture all I think about is the difficulty to escape such judgement from not only my own people but the people who do not look like me. You see judgement from people who do not look like me is much greater especially when words are left unspoken. When  I speak I am freeing myself, freeing myself from all the possible criticism that lies in the hearts of these people who think all people that look like me represent a particular stereotype. Truth is, I was always that weird kid. I was square. Ask anyone who knows me. I used my education and accomplishments to not only decipher the invisible codes from our world but to enhance my drive for living. Hence without my intelligence and my accomplishments I would cease to exist. For I am alone. I wasn't the cool girl who got all the guys before. I wasn't the girl who had all the friends before. Now I am or in other words  becoming that person. My body was never a glamorized mechanism for social fulfillment. That stuff never interested me until now. Now I know that I can use my looks to fool people and fuck their minds. Because no one expects a pretty girl to be this smart.

I Know Who You Are

I know who you are and I do not fear you...
You are the person who gets their energy from innocent souls, tell them that you love them and rob them blind
You know the bible inside out
You know the truth but maintain you're existence from people who do not
Offering help but knowing you won't give it
Flaunting a lifestyle as a tactic to take advantage
Attempting to flatter me with all the languages you know
You are the unbitten fruit that tries to lure innocent spirits with deception and by selling an illusion
Deception is your power you are one of the darkest beasts of all
Positing that the bible is just a story while your people conquer the World
Claiming to be multi religious and agnostic but living a sinister lifestyle
Gazed and amazed at the serpent on the discovery channel
Robbing and exploiting the African people and their land
Yet boasting your philanthropy
Attempting to fool by saying your people are the holy people in the bible and are entitled to the holy land
Claiming to be of the same African descent like me
But portraying nothing but a charlatan and scoundrel
How can I love You
Trickery and Mind Fuckery will never last
But you asked for my heart and I'm afraid I gave it to you
I feel it's too late
I can't believe I've met some thing like you
But its definitely a lesson learned
I've allowed you to get under my skin and penetrate my soul
Now I can't get you out of my head
Please stop this torment
I bid my soul clean again

This Thing Called Life

At this present time I am at the highest height of my consciousness, the pinnacle of my grandeur, the crescendo of my intellectual ability. I thank God for giving me these cognitive abilities, thus I am not only able to think but analyze with great spectrum. I feel that my life has purpose and this is my philosophy: I am the owner of my destiny. No one can empower me but myself and no one can love me like myself. I have came to the the conclusion that this thing called life is easier than I thought. All it takes is sacrifice, a clear mind, a clean body, and constant flow of positive energy to attract only the best things in life. And of course a clean environment because like your mind, the storage of gunk is an unnecessary hindrance. For I am the one who has attracted all of the success whether big or small into my life. No one forced me to read what I read, no one forced me to watch what I watch, no one forced me to go where I go and love who I love. Which is why I study on my own time even when I'm not in school. I will forever love to learn and I thank God for that too. I vow to be a conduit for the positive flow of energy and I will share this wonderful journey with the world. Spreading peace and love and outliving my greatest desires. As well as educating and motivating people around the world. My life has purpose...

Thank You

The Challenges of being Mocha

I LOVE MY SKIN.

I love how it glows in the sun light. How it compliments every color I wear. How unique and exotic my tan looks in the summer. How radiant it looks in the winter. How it protects me from skin cancer. I love every inch of my skin and every hint of melanin in my cells that create ME.

I LOVE MY HAIR.

I love how it thick it is. How course it is. How long it is. How fast it grows. How strong it is. I love its dark hue and the hints of red hue that emerge with the help of the sun. I love how it protects me from lice and other invaders. I love my kinks and how it curls with out a distinct pattern. I love how it can transform from straight to kinky in one day. I love how my hair grows up towards the sun establishing my divine connection with God.  I love how my hair is historically related to the definition of 9 ether. I love its density and the fact that it can be drier than the Saharan desert. I love my AFRO. I love how people stare at it when I walk into a room. It reminds me that its the most unique on the planet.

I LOVE MY ANCESTORS.

I love how I am a descendant of the most powerful, intellectual and opulent human beings that have ever walked on this planet. I love my African brothers and sisters who have not only paved the way for my success but the success of Caucasians. I love mother Africa with her cornucopia of wealth and supply of rare goods. I love knowing that I am related to the people who built the pyramids of Giza or Tariq and his army of moors from Africa who conquered Spain in 711. I love El Hajj Malik Shabazz, Marcus Mosiah Garvey, Martin Luther King, John Henrik Clarke,  and the several others of our fathers who have made remarkable contributions to not only African history but world history.

SO WHY DO MY PEOPLE HATE ALL OF THIS.

Why are my people afraid of being their selves? How can people walk around saying they are the realest people on the planet but display themselves as the most fraudulent? Its the most confusing dichotomy. The least you can do is be true to your blackness. Having a fat ass or voluptuous breast or a ratchet hood personality does not make you true to your blackness. And if having that is all you have to show for yourself then honey, good luck with finding mr. right.

So why am I always accused of being fake? And why did my  75 year old grandmother make this VERY FALSE assumption about my natural hair:  "I bet you get a lot of those Africans boys trying to talk to you now, right?" My response was: "You want to know something grandma, in fact I don't. I wish I did! But I get quite the opposite! Since I've been natural I have been a magnet to the most non-black and mature men that I have ever seen in my entire life!" Why is that? Its a very dismal reality isn't it? We think we will be more accepted by the white man if we change ourselves when in fact we still aren't. We are so beautiful that they taught us to hate ourselves. And to think black men would complain about the black woman and her relics with the non-black man. 

Its all our fault. (And I'm only perceived as fake because those accusers  are not accustomed to the truth.) Call it brainwash and ignorance. And I love my grandmother, she has a lot of experiences to share but just because you are old does not make you free from ignorance. Remember ignorance truly is bliss. Maybe if we loved ourselves more, others will love us back and appreciate us more. Especially if it was passed down from our elders. Not saying that we need validation from others. Just saying that the acknowledgment of our natural beauty is the next step to making us stronger as a group. But I digress. I blame my nature. The fact that I've noticed that I rarely received attention from any other man than a black man the years before I started to wear my natural hair and all of our black men are in these music videos glorifying the European or the European-looking woman, disgusts me! We can't have both our men and our women hating themselves. And they complain when the majority of women they sought after are not natural. Its not called settling its called ATTRACTION. So don't get upset when i'd rather have a non-black man than deal with a confused man like yourself with your attractions. And I love black men but the mentality of this generations black men seems unrepairable. (Maybe thats why I date older men). And what makes it so obscure is that my ideal black man is difficult to find because his prejudices cause him to expect me to be like any other black women so he continues to date the superficial black women or he dates a non-black woman in which he shows off like a pendant of his success. And this cycle from both of us renders us both at fault.

So why so much self-hatred?

LACK OF EDUCATION.

The education and empowerment of our people is the most essential factor in our recovery. Look I'm only 22 and I know people in their 50's who don't even know what I know or preach what I preach. So that's all I have to say. 
P.S. The internet makes most things accessible nowadays. 

Last words: 
If you were not born that way then it is not you. 
"Let us remove the kinks from our mind and not our hair"- Marcus Garvey
I dont care who he is, if he does not accept you for who you are then he is not worth your time...

Love and Nature

Is love natural? If so, I then ask you this, Is love more natural than sex?

We are humans all driven by the desire to mate and procreate. So why do we stress over the fear of being single for the rest of our lives or living with out a partner who will provide this affection that we don't quite understand?

Yes, what distinguishes us from animals is that our ability to think is far more advanced than any other species on the planet.

So does that explain why we feel the need to have someone reciprocate a similar nurturing affection that we are supposed to receive from our parents?

No.

Love. Our oldest phenomenon. It can never be explained because it didn't start as natural. It is an advanced form of social construction transcribed into our DNA that allows us to conjure these emotions that we can not explain.

Over time, we have begun to try and make love more natural than sex. Hence, sex has become taboo in many advanced cultures because of the consequences that seemingly follow. That is why many conservatives believe that sex before marriage is unethical and generates promiscuity. When promiscuity is more likely the reason for our existence.

I am not agreeing that promiscuity should be acceptable because I do not practice it myself.

However, it should not be condemned the way it is.

Over time, humans have tried to coalesce love and sex but it only leaves us confused. And that is when lust comes in. Do I love this person or lust this person? Do I think about this person everyday because I love their personality and I love their soul or am I thinking about this person everyday because their personality makes me want to have sex with them.

Now they say you know you love someone unconditionally when you do things for the person that you would not normally do for anyone else.

Well I disagree. You're doing these things because you think you love this person but you're just infatuated. Unconditional love can only be found within the bond between mother-child, father child bonds or within any other kinship.

Intermingling with other clans is risky because you never know what to expect. Sometimes we have happy endings and most of the time we do not. In the new world relationships are not lasting longer than a week or even a day.

Most marriages fail because of financial greed and the stress that comes with raising children.

But think about it, is it possible to stare at a person and be genuinely satisfied for the rest of your life without wanting to strangle the #$@% out of them?

You get the point.

Every individual was uniquely created and brought into this world alone (not of course if you were a twin, but I digress). So why stress over the most unnatural things. Just live your life in your fruition.

The Paradoxical Demands of Men

Men what do you really want in a woman or a wife? Some of the qualities that you guys ask for contradict each other and then you complain about how difficult it is to find a wife or a real woman. You are confusing us. We are going to make mistakes for the rest our lives trying to live by your standards. Here's why:

One of the major reasons is that you say you want a good girl but you always chase the bad ones. Either you'll have the typical good girl and you'll cheat, take a break ask for an open relationship or leave her for a hood rat, hoe, or ratchet, conniving woman. No I am not saying this because I have any resentment because I do not. My opinions are based solely on observation. Do you really live your entire lives in such a confused state? It seems like you're never satisfied with only one girl. Quality over quantity. Most of you never get the memo.

Some of you say you like the chase but you want cooperation...umm what? Its either or. Whether we let you chase or cooperate I've noticed that were still not guaranteed in keeping you around. Whether we take care of you or not, whether we're submissive or not, we're still not guaranteed in keeping you around. So what is it?

Stop F***ing the game up! Lol