When I was growing up, what separated me from most girls my age was my profound desire to understand the unknown also known as my weirdness. You see i was the type of kid who was more interested in building robots and making bombs or going on a daily excursion to the museum of natural history just to gawk at the exhibits. I've always tried to make sense of things. My mind was and still is like a super powered engined locomotive. I hypothesized results to all my biggest quanderies. For instance, when it rained it meant that God was taking a shower or that being saved meant that God had you as a contact in his phone book. I had the answers to everything. Or at least I thought I did. But I was still naive. Being kept away from exploration, I felt imprisoned. I later realized I was imprisoned by the continuous psychosis of the black mind. Yes and I inherited it indeed. Imprisoned by a long history of fear, superstition, and sexual taboo.
This psychosis is a powerful one. One of the most powerful in human history along with the influence of Nazism. I'm sure you heard of the term "in the box". Well the African American mind is sealed within a small unshipped box in the ocean alongside some small unknown island. Do you agree? If you don't then I'm sorry my dear but you are still in the box. And it doesn't have to take years to get out but lots of strategical planning and research. There's a lot that goes into it. But when you are out, your spectrum of the world will be so overwhelmingly frightening it would almost seem super natural. You would start to dismiss anything you've ever feared before because you'll realize those are just minuscule illusions.
My family has never been the epitome of high moral standards but they were ready to judge others who were less than perfect. More or less different than themselves. We are the typical status quo of a working class African-American family. Matriarchs a muck. There was no telling that the head strong women in my family weren't going to be married one day. Thus they were the strong Renaissance women, hard-working and no one could tell them anything. I was raised to be that young women. But I always wondered why the women in my family were not married or were able to sustain decent relationships to say the least. A long loveless life devoid of a partner. And I came to the conclusion that that was a lifestyle that I did not want. So I was naturally gentler in communication. I wasn't your typical fiesty domineering, contemptuous black girl that everyone in my family portrayed and admired. I was always the good girl. So I was different and I've always felt incongruous to the family circle. But nevertheless, they are the reason why I've been able to maintain my demure yet my decorum. TO BE CONTINUED
When I walk into a room full of black people all I feel are their stares all I see are their stares and I can almost hear their thoughts. Not knowing what to expect whether it be a positive comment or a negative gesture all I think about is the difficulty to escape such judgement from not only my own people but the people who do not look like me. You see judgement from people who do not look like me is much greater especially when words are left unspoken. When I speak I am freeing myself, freeing myself from all the possible criticism that lies in the hearts of these people who think all people that look like me represent a particular stereotype. Truth is, I was always that weird kid. I was square. Ask anyone who knows me. I used my education and accomplishments to not only decipher the invisible codes from our world but to enhance my drive for living. Hence without my intelligence and my accomplishments I would cease to exist. For I am alone. I wasn't the cool girl who got all the guys before. I wasn't the girl who had all the friends before. Now I am or in other words becoming that person. My body was never a glamorized mechanism for social fulfillment. That stuff never interested me until now. Now I know that I can use my looks to fool people and fuck their minds. Because no one expects a pretty girl to be this smart.
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